Book Club meets on the third Wednesday of each month. Oh, I remembered to go, it wasn’t that. I just misplaced the location. It wasn’t where I thought it was, but I was within a hundred yards, so I guess it counts.

The book up for discussion was What Alice Forgot by Liane Moriarty. I read it a couple of years ago, and thought I would be good to go after reviewing my synopsis on Goodreads. Notsomuch. So I set about rereading it in the three days preceding Wednesday. That didn’t work out so well, either. I got pretty far, seeing as how all the underlining was already done (ha), and her books always read quick, she writes so easy. Sure, it’s chick lit, but it’s quality. Oh, here’s your link, before I forget- https://amzn.to/2BVbajw

I loved Alice. That is, old Alice, circa 1999. Who wouldn’t love her? She is absentminded, easygoing, and perfectly kooky. She’s a bit timid and naive but everything has that new, unaltered, fresh feel of young love and your whole life ahead of you.

See, Alice bumped her head when she fell over in her fitness class. She’d been this driven overachiever mom of three angels, pushing herself to be perfect at everything, and going through a divorce. She was 39.

So the question was poised: Would you go back?

Hell yes I would. I would like nothing better than to have the last ten years of my memory wiped. what different decisions would I make? Well, I could think of one major one. But I might be afraid to chance it on the career front, knowing how I was positioned to be where I am now.

*If you could go back ten years, what would you tell myself? That would be tricky, because my 29 year old self wouldn’t want to hear it. My 29 year old self would be kicking my 39 year old self’s ass, though, I’ll tell you that. My 29 year old self was a girl of action. My 29 year old self saw that she was still young, but time was not to be squandered.

*If you could write yourself a letter now to read to yourself in ten years, what would it say? Again, I probably wouldn’t listen to myself. I wonder if I’ll even live ten more years. I sometimes think I take too many chances. There are times I feel invincible, I admit. I guess I would tell myself to exercise more. Stay off my phone and read more. Save my money for vacations, quit blowing it on food and booze every day. Hopefully I would have learned this by then….but I still retain these bad habits from ten years ago, so who really knows?

Maybe what depresses us and makes us feel inadequate are the thoughts we have about what our life should be like when we’re 40. Everybody says find your own happiness, it’s different for everybody. But you know that everybody expects you to be married to someone successful, and not work after you have children. Everyone expects you to have a nice three bedroom brick house, with two and a half baths, maybe put in a swimming pool after a few years. You’re supposed to take a couple of vacations a year, and a big trip- fancy Alaskan cruise or somewhere abroad every five years or so for your anniversary. All the right clothes (and shoes and bags), the perfect hair and makeup, and don’t forget skincare, it’s so important! You should probably sell something on the side, like Pampered Chef or some gimmick to make you feel pretty. Maybe have an Etsy shop if you’re crafty, to make you feel like you’re contributing. Like cooking, cleaning, and raising kids ain’t enough. Then there’s the volunteer work at school and church and maybe even the library. Don’t forget to exercise! Life is exhausting when you’re living up to everyone else’s expectations!

You know what I say? Ditch the relationships. Ditch the idea of growing old beside someone because honestly, no matter what you do, it’s never going to be enough. The other person will come to expect things out of you, and then become bored because you never surprise them. No matter what anyone says, I think most people stay married for money and security. If they could keep their means of living the same if they were single, I think most couples would be divorced. They don’t trust their partner, they have nothing in common with their spouse, or they’re just plain bored. You can have more fun alone. Get a dog. In the last week, I’ve had two different men tell me polar opposite opinions. One has been divorced once and is happily remarried, but looking around at his friends and family wonders if we aren’t meant to be alone. You can find someone who is everything you think you want and marry and be happy for several years and then BAM! Outta nowhere, it seems like, you find yourself alone….or putting up with your partner’s extracurricular activity. And I don’t mean spin class. The other one is married to his fifth (and final) wife. Maybe he was too hasty in his other relationships. I didn’t ask. But he believes we’re not meant to be alone. I don’t know. Most people will say we’re meant to reproduce, too…and I certainly don’t agree with that. There are plenty of children in this world and the population just keeps swelling. So the way I see it, my contribution to society is NOT contributing more people TO society.

Back to book club. Spin vs. Step. We all but had a Knock Down Drag Out after saying it could really happen to me. But I was confused when the girls said that, because I don’t do step class, and I don’t intend on taking it up. They’re like, “No, it was spin! You already do that!” So it was then I called them crackheads and argued that it was step and they were all three looking at me like I had lobsters crawling out of my ears (and yes, I would eat them if that ever happens) and I went to my pocketbook to produce the book to show them exactly how crazy they were. It was then suggested by Beth that my copy was from another dimension- I mean, country, and sure enough, I determined it was from Australia, where the author lives. So. That happened. None of us are crazy, surprisingly enough.

So I don’t know. I think the older we get the more we try to conform to an ideal of what the public has deemed “normal”. We don’t want to stand out in the way we behave or dress. We try to blend in and act like everything is hunky-dory. Well, I’m here to tell you, we’re all fighting battles. But make sure you’re only fighting your own. Your harshest critic is the one in the mirror. And I somehow forgot. But I won’t forget again. And I won’t be making any more mistakes in living my life the customary way. I’ll go back to being a flamingo in a flock of pigeons.

I’ll just be happy. I do remember how.

xoxo Amy