Have you ever spent time wishing someone would die? I don’t mean an ex or an enemy. I mean, someone you know and love and are in so much pain they can’t think? Or maybe they’re lost inside their mind and causing you to lose yours.

It brings to mind one of the most heartbreaking stories I ever knew. It was just a few years ago, right here in my hometown. This vibrant, active little boy of twelve was diagnosed with a rare form of brain cancer. It was simply awful. It was a blindsiding, because he’d always been so healthy and now was so, so, sick. So the community gathered and prayed and surrounded the family as the young man fought and battled and tried to get well, to beat the odds. He underwent countless treatments of radiation, chemotherapy, surgeries, and many therapies to keep as much of his body functioning as possible. Everyone rallied, Regen fought, but ultimately got worse.

As Christmas drew closer, this Christian family was quite obviously pushed to their limits. On Christmas Eve, his mother wrote on Facebook that she hoped the Good Lord would call him home soon, he was suffering so badly.

Now you think about that.

A mother, praying for our Heavenly Father to take him only because she loved him so much and couldn’t stand to think of him in any more pain for another moment, even if she felt like her heart was being ripped clean out of her chest.

That’s true love.

She prayed for her son to die so he could be reborn, healthy and whole, with no pain. She knows that she will eventually see him again. That’s love and faith in abundance. I simply cannot grasp this dedication and strength. And you know what? He was called up. Answered prayers.

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Suicide is, unfortunately, entirely too common. Victims see it as their only escape from debt, from heartache, from sickness. The ones that are serious about it won’t ask for your help. You have to look for signs. They’ll withdraw. And if they follow through, you absolutely cannot blame yourself. They weren’t thinking of you. They weren’t thinking about how you will always question if you could have done more, how you will be living with this guilt the rest of your days. They were only looking out for themselves.

I know what it’s like not to sleep, but to want to because it’s an escape. That is, until the dreams come. But thankfully, dreams don’t generally stick.
I know what it’s like not to eat, simply because you don’t want to.
When these things meet, you’ve got a passel of trouble. You better have a helluva support system to get you through. It’s embarrassing, but we’ve all been there. You have to ask for help or you will find yourself in a bottomless hole and the climb out to sunshine will take a lot longer and will hurt like the pure devil it is. I hope you know who your circle is, who will help you and not hinder you or make it worse. It’s ok not to know what you want from people, or how they can help you. Sometimes you just need the presence of someone else. You don’t have to talk about it, you don’t have to talk about anything. They can go about their life, baking or cleaning and you can stare numbly at the television. But you probably need the comfort of another human just being there. It’s perfectly normal not to be able to watch TV, or listen to the radio, or concentrate enough to read a book. I get it. I hope you know when to pull yourself up and when it’s time to cry for a bit. Just breathe. You don’t get through anything traumatic one day at a time– survivors will tell you it’s one breath at a time. And it’s okay to not be okay. Scream. Stomp. Cry. Write. Laugh. Get drunk. Whatever. Just keep breathing. You don’t have to participate in anything- you don’t have to be your normal self. You just have to BREATHE.

Suicide Prevention LIFELINE 1-800-273-8255

I’m the glued together product of what was once whole.
It’s not so bad to be shattered.
Some plants only flower after a fire.

Sometimes I don’t even like the first sentence. Sometimes I’m awkward all the way through. And I rarely ever know what I’m going to write about. I just start, and thankfully the words come, and the story takes shape.