Charter And My Quest to Vanquish Them

Let me begin by saying I detest the cable company with every cell of my being.

And now I will tell you why. If this was a power point demonstration, rest assured my laser would be blazing.

First and foremost, as you AAALLLL know, I don’t watch TV. Any shows or movies worth seeing are bought and reside, commercial free, in the TV cabinet and neighboring bookcase. So I was loathe to have it installed here at the Plantation. However, when I thought I wanted to write for that magazine, it required me to submit articles via Microsoft Word and not Google documents. Therefore, I had to have a WiFi signal and laptop. Since my husband is a sports junkie and all things TV fan, and he had been deprived during the last five years with me, he coerced me into adding cable. At that time, their big promotion was the “bundle” and $29.99 per service with a free DVR for 12 months. What happened at the end of twelve months was anybody’s guess, but I had a pretty good idea. So I gave him plenty of warning: “This is your job. I do not deal with the cable company. I will pay the bill, with money you provide, but I am not dealing with the hassle of those people.” Those people, of course, being low-life, fast talking, cretins whose every intent is to confuse and upset me with their trickery. I’m sure most of them are ex-cons and carnies.

He readily agreed.

Got it again this week. Offer still stands if anyone is interested by the time you finish reading about my experience.

I called the cable company. Well, one cable company. Xfinity. And I got a super nice feller who was almost as sad as me that they don’t offer service out here in the boondocks of KnoxVegas. He looked up my options.

“Looks like you’ve got……Charter.”

“And???” I prompted, stomach dropping, because everyone is united in their hate for them.

“That’s it,” he said remorsefully.

So I called Charter. And it was every bit as big of an aggravation as I feared it would be.

See, I spend my life on the phone. I always have. I deal with people nonstop. I hate talking to ANYBODY on the phone, even ordering pizza. I much prefer doing everything online. The invention of text was my saving grace. People can’t understand me through my accent, and I think they mumble or talk too fast. They rattle all this contract stuff off (even though it’s not a contract) and you have no idea what you’ve agreed to, but you know you want the service, so you just say yes in order to expedite the process. I remember trying to only get internet and cable, but he wasn’t having that, because I was getting a free DVR by buying the bundle, plus it was set up to be “cheaper” to just do all three. By the time it was said and done, my bill was $121.00, because, of course, nothing is free. We had to pay monthly for the cable boxes. That was after he asked me about home security, and I was like, “Buddy, I live in Tennessee. We have a fence, two mean-ass pitbulls {when in truth, only one is mean, but he didn’t need to know that}, and plenty of ammo. We do not need a home security system.”

There was a startled pause and then he transferred me to the survey.

After the initial set-up call, a visit for installation was arranged, and as I stated, I wasn’t going to go out of my way to take off work to meet the cable guy for hookup and orientation. Johnny was here for all that.

The twelve months go by without incident. Then the next month’s bill came, without precedent. It had gone up $30.00. Of course, I wasn’t surprised…maybe slightly impressed that it hadn’t gone up more and they hadn’t called or emailed about wanting to come get our “free” DVR. I showed it to Johnny, who was somewhat astounded that basic cable was that much. “Feel free to call them,” I told him, oh-so-helpfully directing them to their 24/7 service line.

He declined.

So, for three months I have paid the higher bill.

Then on Monday, we get a “SPECIAL OFFER” in the mail. It’s addressed to “Resident of” and our address. It states in bold, blue letters that many of our neighbors have discovered that Spectrum delivers the best TV & Internet services. And it’s my turn.

 

It’s HALF of what our bill is.

Well, well, well. It’s only for TV & Internet, but like I told the guy to begin with, I didn’t need the phone line. And it got FREE DVR service for two years.

Johnny’s all about me calling and seeing what’s up. Obviously, I am not. This is exactly what I did NOT sign on for. And I remind him of that fact. So he says he’ll call, but they probably won’t talk to him because the bill is in my name. He’s probably right, but I don’t want to admit it. I go next door while he calls.

Sure enough, they won’t give him the time of day, but his super friendly American operator tells him helpfully that I can just call and add him. That was Wednesday.

He’s mentioned it every day since.

I am a professional procrastinator, but I could see that he wasn’t going to stop hounding me (I should employ these tactics when I need him to do something for me) so tonight I called.

And it went every bit the way I had imagined it would.

You begin with the automated service, selecting whether you are a (hopeless) new customer or a (disgruntled) existing one. Those are my descriptions, but they should really utilize them in the menu because it’s true. Then you choose whether you’re wanting to add a service or ask a question. I select add. Moments later, I am connected with a lady who is pleasant enough, and doesn’t make me repeat myself. We are off to a good start. I tell her I got an offer in the mail I want to take advantage of. She asks for my address. I recite it to her, and tell her I have my account number if that will help. Johnny is behind me, helpfully whispering to tell her I already have service with them. I shoo him away. I got this.

“Oh, you’re already a customer?” She’s genuinely surprised.

Now, I don’t claim to be an expert on the way phone lines work, but it’s my understanding that the automated system was developed for ease and to facilitate phone calls.

But clearly, I am incorrect. Because I wasn’t patched through to a person who fields calls from current customers. I was thrown into the sea with all the other peasants in their misery.

And I can’t resist my first opportunity. I strike. 

“Yes, I hit all the corresponding digits on the automated system.”

She ignores my punch and asks for my account number. I provide it, she taps away, then I can hear her gear up to convincing me how I’m getting a good deal already. “Before we go any further, can you please add my husband? I hate making these calls, and he’s better at them and doesn’t mind.”

She giggles and asks his name. I tell her and think, “I warned you….” 

She wastes no more time and immediately launches into the spill about how I’ve already taken advantage of a promotional offer, and in fact, am still enjoying this perk, saving almost $40 per month, and she can’t help me. Her voice has changed dramatically since our initial banter.

Is that right? Well. “So, what you’re telling me is that if I want to decrease my bill by half every month, I will have to unsubscribe from your services, then re-sign up.”

“Well, yes, but you don’t want to do that, because you’ll experience a 30- to 60- day wait period between services.”

“I don’t care. This is too much of a price difference.”

Johnny, at this point, is pacing and nearly in tears at my words and the thought of losing his never-ending Viking shows, Alien documentaries, and slew of football and basketball games. “It’s okay,” he’s hissing frantically, having overheard enough. I wave him off, my blood pressure on the rise. Even though I know that Charter will never let us go. I will get the best price. Even though I have to play their game of cable communism. See, the dumbasses bring it on themselves. They want this contention. They’ve sent this exact same propaganda to every house in the state, banking on people too lazy to look at the junk mail, and the ones like me that do don’t want to make these phone calls.

I hear her sigh, like this is directly affecting her will to live, and she starts in again about how I’m actually getting a good deal and blah blah blah.

“I’ve done told you I don’t care, come and cut this shit off.”

“Hold please. And there’s no reason to curse.”

Yeah, because I’m sure she’s never uttered the first obscenity in her life and is as pure as the driven snow.

Johnny retreats downstairs, certain he has lost one of his main sources of happiness.

After about two minutes, I am connected with a woman who sounds older, or perhaps she’s just smoked more. Or maybe she’s just worn down and knows she has to keep this job until she finds another one not spent tethered to a console with a headset attached to her skull while first world country consumers bicker with her over the cost of an unnecessary (dare we call it extravagant?) service. The rat race.

She says a whole bunch of crap about how she’s going to resolve any issues, but could we begin with a survey on my current experience with Charter? I recognize this as a ploy. If I show my ass, they won’t be as accommodating. Must. Play. The. Game.

So I answer the same stock questions she’s asked other people for the last six hours. What do we watch on TV, what do we predominantly use the internet for, and is the home phone utilized regularly or for backup emergency use only?

I am patient and civil though this, and, as always, brutally honest.

Although I feel it would have been funnier if I had said porn, porn, and phone sex.

Anyway. I’m not always a heathen.

Of course she runs through how I’m still on a promotion, and again with the rules about it’s one promotion per customer, blah blah blah. When I remain silent, she goes on to say how I didn’t seem to have a problem paying the introductory offer and vows to reinstate me at our former price for 12 months. So in a year I’ll probably be writing this exact blog again.

But hold on. I’m not gonna let her off the hook that easily. “But how much is it if I were to go through with cutting service off and then starting it back? You mentioned I have to buy equipment. What equipment, exactly?”

“Well, I see you have two cable boxes, so those, plus your installation fee, so that would put you at $111.00 per month, plus taxes.”

See? They get you any way you can. Dirty, dirty, dastardly deeds.

I hate cable.

Ironically enough, I’m using my 60 mph whatever WiFi to pound out this status. But let the record show that I’m using them against my will. Someday, Xfinity will come through here and all my dreams will come true. Nevermind Charter is the company I stuck up for a few months ago when the pushy punk AT&T solicitors came by.

After hanging up, I carefully inspected the leaflets. Nowhere does it state that you can only take advantage of the one promotion during your relationship with Charter. I can’t get a close up of it because it spans the whole bottom of the page in microscopic print, but it says only “Valid to qualified residential customers who have not subscribed to any services within the previous 30 days and have no outstanding obligation to Charter.” They kept repeating how I don’t have a contract. Contract= obligation, am I right? But it doesn’t mater. It’s a $100 no matter how you slice it if you want cable and internet. But I don’t have to like it.

I’m off to leave a scathing review for Long John Silvers. We sat in the drive-thru, the ONLY customer, might I add, for 13 minutes before receiving our grease and synthesized fish and chicken. We could have had faster service at Ye Olde! Geez.

Anybody wanna fight? I’m all fluffed up like a bantam rooster.

And thank you in advance for not telling me about how I can just pay for internet and stream pretty much whatever through my Smart TV (I don’t know if ours is compatible) or subscribe to Netflix for $9.99/month. I’m also not ready to learn about the Amazon Firestick. Any communication of this variety can go directly to the man of the house. I. Am. DONE.