I….I….I….

Ahhh-CHOO!!!!

I swanny. All I want on my days off are to be able to relax. I love staying home. The rainier and colder it is, the better. I’ll loll about, reading two or three books, leisurely fix breakfast, maybe do some light housekeeping. I’ll bake cookies, troll Facebook, maybe pin some recipes or crafts that I have no aspirations of creating.

I’ve been craving fajitas for four days, but when going-out time rolls around, either Johnny or I don’t feel like venturing out. I made the typical New Years Feast yesterday (for the non-southerners out there, that consists of collards, kraut-n-weenies, fried taters, cornbread, and black eyed peas disguised as soup beans…because they actually were soup beans because black eyed peas are dis.gust.ing.). We technically should have eaten those leftovers today, but you know me, always thinking ahead…so I decided to go ahead and make supper tonight that way we could have the soup bean conglomeration tomorrow night, so that I wouldn’t have to cook after working all day. Once that was decided, I sought out a roast from the freezer. And boy did I find one! It was enormous and I plopped it in the sink to thaw. An hour and a half later, I skipped into the kitchen to transfer it to the crock pot.

This is where I encountered my first problem.

The roast wouldn’t fit. It was too long. This has never happened to me before with this particular crock pot (I have three). But I could just cut it in half. It would be fine.

Well, it wasn’t completely thawed. I’m hacking away from both sides and getting nowhere fast. So I decide to haul out my biggest crockpot, which I remembered cramming it into the waaaay back of my most inaccessible cabinet.

*Insert dramatic sigh here*

It’s becoming increasingly difficult for me to get down and under my kitchen bar, but here I go, rooting around behind holiday platters I forgot I had, a stainless steel cake carrier that I’ve never used, and a ten pound box of trash bags. There it is! I reach….and strain…and stretch….and triumphantly pull my other crock pot towards me. It moves approximately three inches my direction and gets hung up. Looks like a deviled egg tray is to blame. I struggle and rattle it around, disrupting a vase or two and manage to free the crock pot from the vise. It has popped out with a clatter and I notice the knob is now missing. Hmm. Turns out you can turn the little metal rod without the aid of the plastic piece. But how would I know what setting it was on? Eh, I’d worry about that later. It’s a slooowwww cooker, for Pete’s sake. I plunk the roast into the bigger dish, anticipating it to fit just fine.

This is where I was wrong for the second time today. That I’m gonna tell y’all about, anyway. A good two inches were hanging out. I try to force it on down in there. Nope. The roast could not be swayed, coaxed, or crammed. I was gonna have to continue sawing it to size. And if I was going to all that trouble, I was going to use the preferred cooker I started with. It’s the fastest of the slow cookers. (I feel that I need to create another synonym for crock pot. I’ve exhausted the only two I know). So here I go again, with my butcher knife and a set of four-letter adjectives. A dangerous combination, indeed.

Enter problem number three. There is a bone running the entire length of the meat.

*Insert second dramatic sigh here*

Well, perhaps I exaggerated when I said it ran the entire length. It probably ran within an inch and a half of each end.

When I see that butcher….

So what choice do I have but cut the ends off? Unless I wanted to cut it down the middle, also known as the most frozen section.

Alright. Finally got it wedged in there. I hoped it would settle as it cooked, that way it would cook more evenly. Next! Vegetables. Got my potatoes peeled, my onions chopped, my beef broth and cream of mushroom added. I was reaching for the carrots when I decided I should go ahead and season it so more would reach the beef. I liberally sprinkled salt, and decided I would do the same with the pepper instead of bothering with a measuring spoon. I buy those great big containers for common seasonings at Sam’s and I reached for the pepper canister instead of the shaker. It has a shaker option conveniently located in the lid. I gave it a vigorous shake or two and that’s when it happened.

Problem number whatever I’m on.

The side of the lid you use to insert your measuring CUP had popped open and was dumping pepper by the pound onto my king sized roast. As IF enough stuff hadn’t already gone wrong. At this point, I just shut my eyes. Maybe when I opened them all the pepper would be gone and it would be two hours ago before I thought this particular endeavor was a good idea. When we could decide leftovers are a fantastic idea for supper.

Wrong again.

So I wet a paper towel and began to blot at my roast to absorb some pepper. I gave up almost immediately and began to scrape it off with a spoon. Of course it had already began to combine with the cream of mushroom and I would have been better off just rinsing off the whole pasty mess but I was too far involved now. And don’t most restaurants have some version of “Black Pepper Whatever”? Sure they do! So I’m just spicing it up here at the plantation.

I added plenty of carrots. It’ll be fine.

If not, trust that I’ll keep you posted. It should be ready in an hour or so.

Update: The roast tasted fine. I only had to drink two cokes to get through it. Johnny didn’t seem to notice anything was amiss.

Here’s the CORRECT recipe, if you’re so inclined.

Large chuck roast

However many potatoes you’ll think you’ll need

Same for carrots

Onions, even if you don’t like them, because they’re gonna taste like everything else by the time you’re done

Can of cream of mushroom soup. You won’t know you’re eating mushrooms, unless you’re allergic to them. It helps make a nice gravy.

Teaspoon of salt

HALF a teaspoon of pepper.

Step 1: Find the largest crockpot you own. Plug it in & turn it on, so you won’t rush off to work and forget that crucial step. I’ve heard that’s a real letdown.

Step 2: Put your roast in. You can rub it down with the salt & pepper, if you so desire.

Step 3: Mix your broth & mushroom soup together, dump over roast. Add salt and pepper here if you didn’t rub it in.

Step 4: Add the onions, carrots, and potatoes.

Cover and cook on low 6 hours or so. You know your crock pot. My newest one cooks the fastest. It should fall apart if you don’t die of starvation from smelling it all day. That’s why I try to make mine when I’m not home. And I do like crockpot liner bags, they’re a timesaver for sure. But I’m also leery of them. Happy cookin’!