I’m told the Powerball is 800 million. Johnny asked if I picked up some tickets. I gave him one of my blank stares. “Let me tell you how that would go: ‘I need to play the lottery, please,” I would inform the Pakistani gas station clerk. And he would ask me something that I don’t understand, so I would point to those scratch offs in desperation & he would rip off some & I would have to buy those too.” 

“They’re five dollars a line.”

“And I don’t know what that means, either.”

“You can pick your own numbers or the machine can pick them.”

“Pretty sure I don’t trust computers. So then I’d be having to come up with numbers other than seven, & that could be problematic.”

“Don’t worry babe, me & the guys from work went in on some. We’ve got 15 plays.”

“But then we’ll have to split it with all theeeeemmm….” I whined. 

“You might as well say 500 million, split five ways, 100 million for us…you think you’d even notice?”

“I’m gonna be like Monica on F.R.I.E.N.D.S. & hide some extra.” 

So I’ve been planning what I’m gonna do with our $100 million. I keep dreaming of Ireland & then forgetting to come home. 

I would eat A LOT & have the excess liposuctioned out every so often so I could remain a size 8. I would have an hour & a half massage every day. I would pay someone to read books to me so I won’t hurt my eyes. And I would most definitely never answer my phone ever again.