When I was five years old, I was eating lunch at my desk in Kindergarten. I clutched a pack of mayonnaise that my five year old hand could not manage to rip open. I didn’t want to use my teeth, and I wasn’t about to ask my partner, Kenny Harvey, to open it, because obviously he had cooties and would infect both me and my mayonnaise. So, I did what anyone would do.
I squeezed it.
Nothing happened.
I squeezed harder, bringing it closer to my body for leverage.
Naturally, a packet of mayonnaise can only withstand so much pressure, and it promptly shot out and straight up my nose with a measurable force. I had mayonnaise not only in my nose, but in my eyes, in my hair, on my shirt, my pants as it dripped. I was, by all accounts, a mess. I was sent home for a bath and change of clothes.
I don’t remember any more events of this nature until 5th grade, when I was sitting next to Brandon Gallespie this time, who was trying to use his modern glue pen. You remember: they were the size of the jumbo magic markers, filled with clear glue, and had a round spongy end for blotting the exact amount you needed onto your construction paper. Neat, and helped regulate drips and excess application. It was the start of the school year, and all our supplies were brand new and sparkling. Brand new trapper keepers sat on our desk, showcasing our favorite trend. Lisa Frank and Hello Kitty pencils were on display next to our college lined spiral notebooks. You know.
So the glue pen hadn’t been broken in and Brandon was squeezing to no avail. I should have warned him. Surely I had a flashback? You would have thought I would have at least had a premonition. But oh no. He squeezed, he banged, he sighed with agitation.
And all of a sudden, the tip flew off and glue came spurting after. The pen had been pointed towards the ceiling at the time of expulsion, so now glue rained down on us. I remember Brandon had it in his eyelashes as he blinked at me, wondering what happened. The little cardboard obstruction that was supposed to be removed prior to application was stuck to the ceiling tile above us. I had glue all over me and once again was sent home for a bath and change of clothes.
Over the years, I have experienced many projectiles to my face including, but not limited to: lotion, ketchup, soy sauce, toothpaste, shampoo, horse liniment (that STINGS), dressing, barbecue sauce (really, condiments of all types), eye cream, I can’t think of what all. It’s been some time since I’ve had anything happen. I think there was an incident at dispatch involving tartar sauce. But the reason y’all find me so endearing is that I share all the incredibly stupid things that happen to me. And, admittedly, that I do to myself.
So, this afternoon, I was purging items from the vanity to make room for my latest Rodan + Fields shipment. I noted once again that I have waaaay too much lotion. I don’t even use it except in the dead of winter when I have chalky legs. I picked up one that looked pretty old. It was Bath & Body Works brand in the squeeze tube. The body butter or whatever. The extremely thick kind. You know where this is going, but I should mention that I was still dressed from work, not in my lounge clothes yet. My hair was as close as it ever gets to being fixed (i.e. down with mousse), I had my diamond earrings still dangling from my earlobes, and was still donning my favorite top of all time (navy cold shoulder 3/4 length).
The lotion looked kinda separated at the bottom. It looked a little liquid-y. Hmm. Better investigate. I’d hate to throw out perfectly good five-year-old lotion, you know. Clearly a need for 5 gallons is bound to arise in the next two weeks. I flipped open the top and placed the tube under my nose so I could get a whiff. I squeezed.
That shit EXPLODED.
I think I screamed a little bit. It was all over my glasses, in my mouth, my nose, my neck, of course my hair, and coating the front of my shirt. I immediately got my top off and bent over the bathtub to douse my head under the faucet and rinse my shirt. At this time, Johnny chooses to check on me. Of course, I am not at my most attractive at this point, but I try to explain what has happened. He just shook his head and moved on. Nothing surprises him anymore.
I have washed the shirt, but I hang it to dry and it’s too early to determine if the lotion will be life threatening to it. If so, I shall be devastated.
They say everything you need to know you learned in Kindergarten. I have not yet learned my lesson not to squeeze.
I’ve had a semi-eventful weekend, as far as things go in my hermit life.
Friday morning, as usual, found me at IHOP. I love their crepes, what can I say? When I opened the first set of doors, I was greeted by a buggy full of grocery bags stuffed with…well, stuff, I guess. Possessions. Clearly the style favored by the homeless. Seated on the bench, facing the bright sunshine coming in over the tops of the trees, was an old black woman. “Good morning,” I chirped brightly to her. Then I realized she must be the owner of the buggy and bags, and probably had some mental health issues and would not understand me.
“Good morning,” she returned clearly.
Huh. How bout that?
Before I had time to puzzle on her much more, I was led to my table. The thought did cross my mind that if I were a better person I would offer for her to dine with me, but I’m not that brave. When I looked back for her, she and her buggy were gone.
The poor waitress was the server for the entire dining room, and looked like I felt most days. She was making laps with drinks, straws, and food. Another girl finally showed up to help and she relaxed a little.
I’ve discovered it’s pretty much impossible for me not to eavesdrop at IHOP. I’m by myself, the internet doesn’t enthrall me, and people talk loud. Their problems are on full display. There were a couple of gentlemen across the way bidding a job. I’m not sure if the other guy was supposed to be telling him as much as he should, it was like he had insider information. There was a group of deaf people, so obviously I don’t know what they were talking about. And the couple seated in the booth I was facing, well, she had problems.
It’s funny when you hear stranger’s woes. You’re totally removed from the situation, and it has not escaped my notice that I’m pretty detached, anyway. I don’t know if that comes from my former job, where if you had a big problem, somebody died. This stuff with your boss not liking how you schedule is not a big issue. If she doesn’t like it, she should show you a better way. Or you could take it to her every week for approval until you get it right. Or find a different job, because it sounds like you hate it there, anyway. The poor guy she was with just sat there patiently while she got it all out. By the time he had his turn to speak, I was all absorbed in my breakfast and had lost interest. You can see why.
IHOP is glorious.
I had a hair appointment that I was about four weeks overdue for, so my plan was to swing into Food City and pick up a few things and then head to the salon. However, the universe had a slightly different version. Nothing major- Christy text me that I could come on, she had a cancellation, which works to my benefit. I went straight over to give her a little breathing room. I was processing, and having the most stimulating conversation with this other client about books, when my phone rang.
It was my boss.
My boss NEVER calls me.
Never, ever, EVER.
Naturally, I panic. I freeze. Something has gone so wrong, I just know it. It was because I was judging that woman at IHOP a little bit ago. I must have gone white, and me stopping in the middle of a thought is a dead giveaway that something is wrong, because Christy paused her clipping and was like, “What is it?”
I have no choice but to answer. Face the music. I can always go work at Tractor Supply. They have low standards.
“Hello?”
“Amy, you know I don’t ever bother anybody on their day off because it ain’t right and I don’t like to, and I’m really sorry but I have to and I’m in Knoxville–”
“What’s wrong?” I cut him off. I can’t stand it.
“That bid you turned in yesterday-”
Oh God, oh God…
I’m not going into the rest of it to bore you to tears but it wasn’t any big deal, he just needed me to send it to someone else and since it had been so large a file, I had sent it through Dropbox, and nobody was really certain how to do it. So all I had to do was call the other Christy in my life and walk her through it. Presto chang-o.
I wiped the red goop off my phone and went back to book recommendations. After my rinse, I was back in the chair, and before I knew it, the other lady was showing me her clogging skills. I was trying to convince her to join my class. I think she just might. I was also telling her about book club, and how she might enjoy either the one I’m a part of, or Fireside, but they meet in the middle of the day, and that probably wouldn’t work until she retired from her teaching position.
Christy started cackling. I raised my eyebrows, unable to look at her, seeing as how my jugular was centimeters away from her scissors. “It’s just…Nancy is gonna be like, ‘I’m taking up clogging! And I have all these new books to read! And I’m joining a book club!’ And her husband is gonna be like, ‘What happened?‘ And she’s gonna say, ‘I met this redhead today….'”
I smiled great big. I love it when I change a life.
Christy went on to wonder what it’s like for my husband, when he’s telling people about me. “‘Yeah, my wife reads a lot. She’s in a book club. She’s on the board at the library. Oh, no, she works full time, she’s a secretary. Yeah, and she blogs and clogs…'”
“And she’s shithouse rat craaaazy,” I completed for her.
“Noooo!!!” She howled, swatting me.
I am, though.
My life has become increasing busy here lately. I like having an activity. I have become quite sedentary as of late. After exchanging emails, I was on my way to my next destination. I always see people I know at the grocery store, (hazard of a small town), and more often than not, I am genuinely happy to catch up. This time I was checking out before I saw a familiar face. One of my farriers from the Co-op, of course. It took him a minute to place me after I spoke (last time he saw me I was blonde and 30 pounds lighter) but recognition came into his eyes and he strode over to hug me. He told me he was chatting with a mutual friend the other day and said “I haven’t seem Amy in I don’t know when, but I sure do miss her!” He knew where I was working and I told him some things hadn’t changed: people still call me for feeding recommendations, and worming directions, and what to plant and when to fertilize. We had a good laugh and he went on his way.
Next: Let’s See If We’re Still Early Voting On My End of the County
Sure enough, we are. Of course, lots of familiar faces there, too. More catching up. “How’s life outside the Co-op?”
“Better than I could have imagined,” I admit with a genuine smile.
“Let me just get you to verify your information. Still at {rattles off my address}?”
“Yes.”
“Primary?”
“865-216–”
He interrupts me with a braying laugh. “No, Republican or Democrat?”
I laughed so hard I almost couldn’t answer him. I mean, hello? What was I supposed to think? Phone number always comes after address. And we were just talking about the Co-op, where your order always starts with your phone number. Shit fire.
Luckily, everyone in the room was laughing with me. Another lady said she didn’t feel so bad now, since she’d given some sort of crazy information herself unprompted.
Leave it to me.
I caught up with yet another of my former customers just outside after turning in my ballot and getting my sticker.
He told me about the decline of his neighbor, a tough old man I had finally worn down with my charms after a few years. I hated to hear he was unwell, but I’m confident he’ll pull through. He’s that kind of guy. I asked about Jerry’s family, and he asked if I was still married 🙂 This is the oldest of jokes. As always, it was followed by, “He’s a good man.” Which is also true. Another hug, and I was off again. I wanted to go by the local nursery and get some flowers for my crumbling planters. And some basil to go with my cherry tomatoes and mozzarella pearls. I ended up dazzled and amazed by all the varieties of their plants. I wanted it all. I so wish I had the time and energy to devote to making my yard a garden like my Mamaw maintained next door. But I’m lazy. And I clog. Haha.
By the time I got home, I was past due for a nap, and since I had gotten the majority of housecleaning done before my hair appointment (all I was gonna do, anyway) I decided a nap was in order. Shug was in the tattoo chair and wouldn’t be home for awhile.
When I woke up, I had some texts from my girls. I couldn’t concentrate on anything until I got something to eat. I declared I was starving and the plan was made that we meet for Mexican at mine and Tracy’s favorite location, the one Rhonda calls La Cucaracha. Because of one person happening to find a critter in their frijoles eons ago. I was the first to arrive, because I was the hungriest, I guess. I wasted no time ordering fortification in liquid form.
We had a great time, and got loud and rambunctious as always. And we each only had one. But they were potent, I tell you! I saw the son and daughter-in-law of the man I had spoken with at the voting station, the very ones I had inquired about. I couldn’t catch their eye to tell them about the coincidence, though. Then one of the girls in my dance class came through (I did get to speak to her on my way out). At 8:45 I started panicking. “It’s dark,” I announced worriedly.
Conversation continued.
“It’s 9:00!” I yelped.
“Look at us, among the living!” Tracy exclaimed, surprised herself.
“I gotta get home! It’s so late!” This is not sarcasm. I really prefer to be in bed by 9:30. Shug was camping, so I had no one to actually come home to, but no matter. “I’ve had such an exhausting day!”
“You were off today! You took a nap!” Rhonda protested.
“I’m still so tired! I had lots of interaction with the masses!”
She shook her head and reached for her glass. “After your leisurely breakfast at IHOP and then a visit to the beauty parlor…”
My dear friend sounds a little mean, but she’s probably the sweetest one. She just likes trying to keep me in perspective.
So we slurped the final dredges from our cactus glasses (aafter we debated about this woman I swore up and down was a hooker) and made our goodbyes in the parking lot. I got home, shed my bra & washed my face, and collapsed on the couch once again. I read as much as I could until my eyes drooped.
What a great day off, with two more in front of me.
So yesterday, I fixed breakfast for us and then Shug took off to the rod run with a friend who has recently acquired a candy apple red Corvette. Talk about flashy. Here at the modest plantation, I finished my book, took a nap, and had Chick-fil-a for lunch. I’m one of those dumb people who will sit in the drive-thru that has cars wrapped around the building instead of going in. (It was packed in there, too, but the main reason I didn’t want to was because my shoes didn’t match my outfit). I love Chick-fil-a. Ten minutes in the drive-thru is a small price to pay for delicious chicken.
Time to plant flowers.
I have this vinca vine that is going to be the death of me. I also have another vine that has been here since before I was born that is the bane of everyone’s existence. They struggle for life in my flowerbed by the redbud I tried valiantly to kill when I thought it was just a super hardy weed. After making two worms out of one, I called it a day. I did get everything in the ground or a planter. My Columbine has really came along in the past year. I started it from seeds!
It’s Annual Call For Aloe, you guys! So let me know. We haven’t moved them outside yet, but I can assure you, I am, as always, overrun. I ended my time outside with a tick crawling along my arm. Yech. Immediate shower and supper at 10 p.m.
Now or a last few runs of laundry and make a big dent in my latest book. Hillbilly Elegy came through on my Kindle yesterday but I’m still not convinced I want to read it. I’m scared it will make me angry to a point I will want to go burn the books. Hence me getting it electronically. And I need to practice my Rooster Run and High Horse.
My weekend probably doesn’t seem like much to many of you, and I hope you don’t feel cheated after reading all this, but I feel very fortunate for the life I lead. I consider it full and enriching and I generally have a really good time. If you would like to join in, please give me a holler. You know where to find me. (Right here, goobers. Comment and I’ll get with you!) And then you can say, “So I met this Redhead….”
Sometimes I think I’m doing all right, that I’ve got my act at least on stage, if not together. These are generally the times I’m comparing my life to the people you see in the news who have their heads stuck in pickle jars and the like.
Other times, I embrace the fact that I’m batshit crazy and there’s simply nothing that can be done for my affliction.
Today I thought I was doing alright. I even remembered to accessorize. Of course, when I got to work things took a nosedive, but that’s par for the course. My confidence was restored later, though, when the secretary of a large corporation requested a contract that I was reasonably sure I sent over last week. Digging through email archives, I unearthed it, and sent it back to her, along with the one from our insurance agent. She wrote back, apologizing profusely, blaming a lack of coffee on her slip. I was only too glad to soothe her, saying I was just glad I wasn’t the only one who goofed and felt crazy. It’s always nice when people who seem so professional are just as nutty as the rest of us. I have discovered this is nearly everyone. By the time we had finished our little conversation, she was signing her emails “Cait” instead of her full name with initial credentials 🙂
In celebration of making it through the day, I treated myself to a “snack size” jamocha shake from Arby’s on my way home. They’re only a $1.00, despite what the menu says. Or maybe the chick felt sorry for me because I really wanted an Oreo one, but alas, they don’t serve those anymore (I bet people on the inside still make them, though. I gotta meet someone who works for Arby’s). The lady in front of me had bigger problems: she ordered something with NO CHEESE. I don’t know what. Isn’t that the strangest thing you’ve ever heard? No cheese on anything is blasphemy. Then she wanted to know if they had “meller yeller or th’ uther”.
Anyway, I had been curled up on the couch, reading, after I got my chores done. Chores in not the style they were when I was 12, chores of the maid variety. I finished the one about the woman who owed the IRS $150,000 but thought it was a good idea to live in a cabin that regularly housed copperheads (great book, no kidding. Buy it HERE ) and decided to start Slaughterhouse-Five because it expired next on my tablet. Shameless library plug to follow. DID YOU KNOW THAT IF YOU’RE A MEMBER of a library in Tennessee YOU CAN CHECK OUT BOOKS ON YOUR E-READER FROM THE PRIVACY OF YOUR COUCH while eating Oreos in a glutton-like fashion? Oh yes you can! Here’s a link for your convenience: Tennessee R.E.A.D.S.
So, like I was saying, I had started the classic Slaughterhouse. I knew it was a bit different, but wildly popular, so I wasn’t too concerned when it dropped me smack dab in the middle of a murder in Key West. However, I will tell you that the prose felt a bit…off. Like, not deserving of the fandom this book had inspired.
I read on, because a change of character brought us to lovely Charleston.
I came across a few sentences about students using their iPods and smartphones.
I became confused, and went to Google for verification that I wasn’t losing it. I was thinking this book had been around a while. A while being 30 years or so. We didn’t have smartphones and iPods 30 years ago. We had encyclopedias and boom boxes. #socool I find that the publication date was 1999. I take a moment to reflect. 1999 was a lot more recent than I was thinking but we still didn’t have the technology this book spoke of. I decided to shrug it off to it being the Kindle edition and maybe the publishers decided to make it more modern by incorporating a few changes. I furrowed my brow, then I remembered what I pay for skincare and quickly resumed my normal expression. I read a few more sentences, lost interest, and decided I better start on dinner.
I came back to my Kindle a few minutes later after prepping the chicken and waiting on the oven to preheat. Just kidding. Who preheats? I was just checking to see if you were still paying attention. On my screen was a new book I pre-ordered a month or so ago. I’m not kidding about that. I really do pre-order, but don’t preheat. It showed that I had completed 3%. That was weird. The book, Beyond the Garden, was the second book in a series that I haven’t read the first installment of. How did I get 3% in? Maybe it’s really short and took me to the beginning of the text, skipping over all the title pages and dedications and here I was. Whatevs. I opened SH5.
“All this happened, more or less.”
Uhhh….so that was the opening line. And turns out I hadn’t read it. The murder in Key West was from the Magnolia book. So that explained a lot.
I guess tomorrow I’ll get the large shake on the side of a dozen doughnuts. That is, if I make it through.
And all this really did happen.
I’ll be the first to admit I don’t get out much (I hear Tracy and Rhonda muttering amen). But there’s a good reason for that. One, the majority of people annoy me. I had my fair share of the multitudes during my fifteen years of retail. Two, I’m happy at home. It’s cozy, it’s comfy, and I have everything I need. Namely books. Three, I have given myself a nearly unattainable goal of reading 75 books this year. I’m currently ahead of schedule by six, but I think that’s mainly due to being off Facebook for Lent. I have no doubt that I will be sucked right back into its addictiveness come April 2nd. Really, I’m dreading it. Just like everybody else, I’m friends with people I don’t follow. These people are the ones who will no doubt message me, wondering why I haven’t been sucked into their latest drama. Right now I can claim that I didn’t see it “because I’m not on Facebook” but that excuse won’t fly in two weeks time. And people don’t want to hear that I really just don’t care. It is rude, I recognize that. But I can’t help it. The truth’s the truth. There ARE things I can’t wait to look at, though. A couple of my friends have taken vacation, and I do love pictures of places I’ve never been. I’m looking forward to perusing those. Quizzes about what Disney warrior you would be, not so much. Inspirational quotes are in the same category, as well as frogs declaring me a Happy Wednesday. I can live without all that mindless drivel. *taking long sip pf wine*
Back to my latest outing. Book Club was Wednesday. I don’t know how this happened, but it came to be our locale for this particular gathering was set as Waffle House. Yes, that’s right. I don’t know why. We’re probably the first book club in the history of the world that ever met at one.
I got there last, par the course in all aspects of my life. As I settled into the slightly sticky booth, I mumbled, “Well, we really are here, aren’t we?” It was twenty after five. The place was hoppin’. There was your resident crackhead at the counter, a man with a softball sized bandage on the smack dab middle of his forehead in the booth behind us, and a scattering of other….people….stationed about sporadically.
I did note there were people there treating it like a bar. There was one guy who vehemently insisted he wasn’t skipping out on his bill, he was just going out “for a smoke”. Maybe they were in AA and missed the camaraderie that comes from sitting for hours on a barstool with like minded mortals. Waffle House would be a sad substitute, in my estimation. Seeing as this was only my third visit to a Waffle House in the duration of my life on this planet- and my second one stone cold sober- I was taking it all in like a kid at the circus.
Which, basically, I was.
Then I focused my wide eyed attention to the menu.
I promise I’m not a snob. Except that I kinda am. But when you can order a steak for $7.99 from the same menu that offers hash browns with enticing additives, such as mushrooms, I’m thinking I should order something that is easily recognizable. Something that could not be altered without it being evident. Something like a giant waffle. So that’s what I got. And hashbrowns, smothered, covered, and diced. The diced part, to the uninformed, is tomatoes. They were hidden in the middle like a potato pinata. Smothered referred to the onions, for reasons unknown, and covered bespoke of the orange cheese drizzled haphazardly about. But none of this could cover up the flavor of oil. The book up for discussion was The Handmaids Tale, which I strongly encourage you to read, if only so you’ll be as disgusted as me. Don’t get me wrong, it’s wonderfully written and I’m so glad we chose it because I never in a million years would have picked it up on my own accord. That’s the great thing about book club. Once you’re signed on, you have to read what’s been decided on. Unless you’re whiny and have to have things your way and hop around book club to book club to suit your needs. Luckily, even when I hate the book, I love the company, so there’s that. We had our conversation over the rattle and bang of a non gender-specific cook and eventually a jukebox. I will say the place was a bit cleaner than I had anticipated, although I could have pulled a slide to make Tom Cruise green with envy. And by the time we left, I fit right in, as I had manged to stream a line of syrup down the exact middle of my shirt, which, in turn, made my arm sticky. There are no pictures to commemorate the occasion, because I believe most people know what the inside and outside of a Waffle House look like. Once, I was next door to one and there was a car parked in their lot with “Just Married” scrawled all over it. I was tempted to go see about that, but refrained. I do wish I had managed to get one of the gentleman with the head wound. I’m not likely to forget him, but I fear that my readers may not believe in his existence, although I do have three witnesses. But, then too, I assume most of y’all have also darkened the door of a Waffle House near or far, and know that nothing really is out of the ordinary there. This guy even had some female companions. I imagine they were his wife and daughters, but what an odd restaurant to celebrate the coming home after a surgery. Or maybe not. Maybe they knew he wouldn’t draw as much attention there as he would at say, Cracker Barrel.
As we were winding up, the gentleman seated behind my side of the booth spoke up to comment on Rhonda’s use of her hands for wide gesturing. He was on my nerves in two seconds flat and I rose to leave. He was one of those that had arrived alone, and wanted to become a part of something. Myself, on the other hand, wanted to be apart of the situation.
But he drew them in. As I rolled my eyes and thought about the blog post already forming in my mind, Rhonda and Tracy chatted animatedly with him. I think he was trying to be Rick Bragg. I was trying to be David Copperfield. The waitress sensed my aggravation early on and had whisked my check away.
While we stood next to the counter, I admired a little girl dressed to the nines there with her mom. She was fabulous in her pink booties, sparkly tights, gauzy blouse, and beribboned hair. That little girl could have been me thirty-odd years ago. Hell, I was looking pretty cute in my honeybee flats, if I do say so myself.
Farewell to the Waffle House, with your crack whore that stayed the entirety of our visit, to the yapping dogs locked in the vehicle out front that also stayed the duration, and your overall eccentricness.
I think the Waffle House would be a honey hole of a place to write. Of course, #1 is, and always will be, airports. Co-op runs a close second, though. I will say the service there could show several upscale establishments how it’s done. I didn’t want for nothing, except which couldn’t be attained.
You know when you are wanting some greasy salty potato chips but you don’t have any, but you’ve got a pack of plain saltines, and since they’re the closest thing you’ve got, you eat them even though you know they’re not going to be nearly as good? And you bite down only to discover they’re stale?
That’s how this book was for me. A poor, tasteless, substitution for what could have been a rich, colorful story.
I typically prefer Southern literature above all other genres. I even had the pleasure of meeting this author the other day. I’m just so thankful I had already purchased this Kindle book for $1.99. Because I probably would have cried my eyes out had I paid $26.95.
Poor Ella May. Poor children. Poor Yankees, millworkers, law dogs, displaced mountain people, and all small minded individuals. There was a whole lot to root for in this book, but it’s all heartbreaking. Her story needed to be told, but I just feel like we learned about her in jumps and starts and it was hard to remember who was who as we read different perspectives from chapter to chapter. I still don’t know what to think, but I’m apt to believe all the same problems still exist.
I’ll give you the link for ease of you reading other opinions, but I recommend you borrow it from your library instead. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
The irony was, I was running late because I was reading. Late to a Literary Festival because I had my nose buried in a book. Not even an approved good book. Just some mindless blip. I finished The Stand Friday. That’s right. I read it in less than two weeks, with another book knocked out in two days for book club. I would like my medal now. Please make the ribbon red for victory. If you can find me a riser and podium I’ll be glad to make a speech of encouragement to the rest of you lackadaisical commoners. I might need a crown, too. My current one isn’t quite ostentatious enough.
But I’m getting ahead of myself, as usual. The Sevierville Chamber of Commerce puts on a Literary Festival once a year called Rose Glen. I’m not qualified to tell you about the history, but I found these two videos enlightening. They’re each about ten minutes long. Rose Glen Videos <—-If you think they’re not worth your time, or you’re just lazy (hey, I’m not here to judge, I have a hard time committing to anything over 30 seconds), let me just tell you so you’ll know-Rose Glen is that old house next to the Walter State Campus in Sevierville. You know, I always thought it was part of Johnny King’s property, because he kept cattle there, but evidently not. Anyway, so now you know. But the videos truly are fascinating, you really should watch them. I have wanted to attend this particular shindig for many years, but I used to always work on Saturdays so I wouldn’t have been able to attend, anyhow. Somehow it slipped by me last year and I had to hear about what a great time was had by all about a week after the fact at the board meeting. Which is disappointing. I mean, does anybody love Southern Literature more than me? I think not. I should be the Chair on this! Or at least a consultant. The chair would be too big of a headache. I’m not that organized. And I hate asking for donations.
Once I arrived and located my good friend (and, shall I mention, Director of the Sevier County Public Library System) just where she said she would be, we made our way to the festivities. We stopped many times as we made our way past tables fronting local authors and their wares. We were stopped by friends of Rhonda’s, contacts of mine, and many mutual acquaintances. I was lit up like a Christmas tree and beaming stupidly at everyone and everything. It was enthralling. I had agonized over how dressy an affair this was, but decided since it was in the middle of the day and was hosting a bunch of local flavor, I decided I could get by with jeans. Let’s face it-writers are eccentric and it wouldn’t surprise me a bit to find more than one in clothes they’d had on for three days, with facial hair to match. I did refrain from wearing my honeybee shoes, though. I didn’t want to embarrass Rhonda. I should have worn a tank top, shorts, and flip flops because it was one hundred and twenty-six degrees in the convention center, but too late. People kept hugging me and all I could think about was how damp I must feel. Ew.
When we sat down for the luncheon, I noticed how many of us were sporting glasses. Lots of glasses. I don’t know if my fellow readers didn’t approve of contacts or if they just didn’t like the trouble of taking care of something else. It’s pretty easy just to grab your glasses and go. Or maybe they’re like me and can’t bear the thought of touching their eyeballs. I get it. Spectacles till the end of my days. It’s nice to be in the company of others who share similar interests, whether it be just the love of reading or fashion. Not that anyone would accuse voracious readers as having much of a fashion sense. But there was an author there sporting a fox around her neck. She was perfectly fabulous. I wanted to buy her book: here it is, The Gatekeeper but I waited too long and she had a cluster of women around her so no book, and no picture of me with an author wearing a fox stole. Too bad.
But I’ve drifted. Back to lunch. Everything was going swimmingly, two children’s authors had joined us and I was trying to be cool and act like I dined with celebrities all of my living days when this couple from New Jersey joined us. Sigh. I immediately lost interest in them as the husband began griping about tolls up there, and how the state government charged him $6,000 to move and how he could have gotten out of it had he known ahead of time and yada yada yada. Yankees ruin everything. He should have followed the lot of them on down to Florida. Finally, the presentation began and we directed our attention to the speaker. Wiley Cash was eventually introduced, and he made some quip about how we were locals, but we weren’t really from here, though, right? I tried not to take offense, but I felt the steam build in my ears. I knew of a handful of folks in attendance that yes, we sure were. But turns out, he was looking at the bigger picture, from six and seven generations back. Ok. Wiley was a terrific speaker, and it was obvious he had done his research for his latest book. I was a little disappointed that I had purchased it a month prior on my Kindle. And I didn’t want to plunk down thirty bones on an older work that I could get for five on Abebooks. I listened to his clear voice reading a passage of his novel and I could see the landscape. I knew about poor. I saw it every day. On my way in, I had flown along the back roads, from the Boyds Creek valley, cutting through the hollers of Indian Gap and not taking much time to note the houses that were one step away from being condemned. Probably already would be, if the county officials would take a closer look. And where would you put them? These people don’t want to be in government subsidized housing, living right on top of people they don’t know. No, better to scrape by out here in the boon docks, carrying wood in to feed to the stove, and recycling worn out shirts into han’kerchiefs and sheets into curtains. Better to hang your clothes on a line than go to the laundry mat. Better to shoot a few squirrels and fry them with last spring’s crappie than to use the EBT card. Better to plant by the signs than by the weatherman. Better to read the Bible than surf the web.
I write of the old whitewashed shacks that lean just a hair too far to the left, with warped steps coming up from a worn path through the scruffy yard. The cinderblock houses with chickens pecking out front, mingling with dogs on chains. The trailers that were old in the ’80s, out by the lake, with three styles of bicycles in the yard, abandoned where the children outgrew them. I’m talking about the cabins tucked up in the wood line, letting all the vegetation to encroach-the better to hide behind and keep nosy people out. Air conditioning would be nice, but a fan does the trick, it’s not so bad of the evening when you can open all the windows and let the breeze come through. These places have gravel driveways, pockmarked with ruts that catch water, or maybe there’s just a wide spot by the road to pull into. There’s wildflowers and clover, no zoysia grass here. If there’s a fence, it’s barbed wire, and rusted, and the tree closest to the road has a No Trespassing sign nailed to it. And they mean it.
Some of the homesteads are proud; they’re small, but neat. They have sweet tea brewing on the sun drenched step and a porch with a swing. Most will have a garden off to the side, brimming with tomatoes, crowded with corn, and decorated with a scarecrow in holey overalls. Daffodils provide a cheery welcome near the mailbox.
And one more thing: they don’t think they’re poor. I guess because they have what matters: peace of mind.
And some are trash, people with no respect for their home, their lives, or their family. These dwellings have rubbish piled high, fifteen cars that don’t run scattered about in waist high weeds. You can almost see the snakes crawling.
These places aren’t far off the main road. Five minutes from any spot on Highway 66 I could show you three dozen.
I drifted back.
The keynote speaker was mentioning the mill ladies, and his grandmother who carpooled to get there. And I remembered my own great-grandmother, who carpooled with her sister and another lady to get to her mill, Bike Athletic Company. And when I have her story wrote, I’ll add a link here.
So yeah, Wiley Cash, I know what you’re talking about. And I absolutely could not wait to read his book. {Things didn’t turn out the way I expected, read my public amazon review RIGHT HERE.}Ok, I shared the link to my blog review, because the Amazon review will move around as he gets newer ones.}
After the question and answer portion, we were dismissed, and my partner in crime wanted to see about wrangling him for a book signing and speaking engagement at the library. She bought the book as a means to pave the way (read: suck up) and we stood in a mercifully short line to get it autographed. Faced with Mr. Cash, all I could think to say was, “I love your name,” like a starstruck idiot. “I’m pretty jealous.” Then I began to worry that make me sound like I wanted to be Mrs. Wiley Cash, but it was too late. He pushed his glasses up endearingly and told me he heard that pretty frequently. Whew. I mean, but really. Wiley CASH? #awesome
So, to recap, it was a great day, spent in the company of a good friend and piles of books. Although I didn’t buy a single one. That’s self restraint right there. I rarely venture out from my hermit life on the weekends. This was so worth it.
And as I headed home, winding my way in my old pickup, I took note of the many tin roof homesteads, tucked away from prying eyes and flashy neighbors. You’d have to pay them a sight more than $6,000 to move. And I smiled. I know where I come from. And dang right I’m proud.
I always do the best I can. It doesn’t always live up to my momma’s standards, or my boss’s, or heaven forbid, society’s, but I AM doing my best.
My hair is a perfect example. Believe it or not, I color it, I use expensive shampoo and product, and have even had a keratin treatment. But most days it still looks like a mockingbird nest after a tornado. My best is not good enough.
I use an expensive skincare regimen daily, but my skin is still far from perfect. I still get acne, and there’s nothing to be done about these forehead wrinkles. Let’s call them laugh lines. I buy the expensive makeup and apply it carefully. More likely than not, I’m going to look like a raccoon because I have yet to conquer the smoky eye. And I’ll probably forget my lipstick. And although I spend $50 a month on pedicures, my nails are still an uneven, raggety mess. I have accepted the fact that I will never be thin, partly because I’m lazy, and the rest is because I like food better than exercise. I won’t lie and tell you I don’t have time, because I could make time. But I’d rather read and pin recipes for fattening, delicious food. And make lists of places I would like to eat and what I will order once I get there. Short of having Botox and Lipo, this is the best I’m going to look.
I could sweep and mop my bathroom floors everyday but guess what? They still look gross. The linoleum is old, and my husband tracks mud and leaves and yard detritus in every single day, thirty times a day. My best is not good enough.
I had been riding horses for many years before I got a formal lesson. I had a good seat for Western, an excellent one for English, and was about the worst ever saddleseat rider. It did not agree with me. I was used to having my legs tucked up. Now they were all but dangling freely. There was no swell on the saddle before me, there was hardly any saddle at all. There was no gentle curve cupping my rear and giving me just the slightest sense of security, it was flat and I found every inch of it as I slid around, praying for purchase.
I hated riding saddleseat.
But it prepared me for a new kind of riding I did for a few years, almost a decade after I’d gotten rid of my last horse. One of my customers had been encouraging me to come out to his place and meet his horses, check out his arena, try his discipline of equitation. It wasn’t a proposition for romance, nothing like that. He genuinely wanted me to just come ride. So one day, I did. I took my momma just in case he turned out to be a well disguised serial killer. I think I made maybe three circuits around the ring at a walk, trot, canter, respectfully, before he stopped me.
He ran my stirrups up.
I gulped.
He unsnapped my reins.
I wanted to throw up.
He grinned. “Canter, switch diagonals at E.”
I cued, and off we sped. I had no hope of being on the right lead without aid of my reins…or so I thought. My main concern was not crashing into the panels on the far side. I didn’t know this horse, and he didn’t know me. I put faith in his name, which was Bueno. It should have been Hero, because he made me look good that day. After it was over, and I didn’t require an eye patch or crutches, we were leaning up against the stalls. Scott was making conversation with my mom while I fed Bueno and thanked him for not killing me. Scott was saying that he had met a lot of riders in his time and that it was extremely rare they were able to ride as well as they boasted. “As a matter of fact,” he went on. “I’ve only met two. One is your daughter.”
I beamed. I had excelled again. I had made myself proud, even if I didn’t have anybody to impress.
When I was a child, I would memorize mine and everybody else’s lines in the school plays. I always knew what was going on at all times. I did my best and was labeled a nerd. I was rarely reprimanded at school or at home. Even though I had to take remedial math in college, and enlist a tutor for calculus, I was a nerd. Because I was doing my best. And it wasn’t cool to do your best. I knew I was a good kid, and that wasn’t just by comparing myself to other students. I ran with some of the “elite” girls, and all of us knew to keep our legs together and our heads turned when it came to boys and drugs. I was never offered anything stronger than marijuana (which I did not take, believe it or not), and I still couldn’t begin to tell you where to find or buy anything today. I simply do not know how it is done.
I excelled at my first job that I started right out of high school, quickly moving up to a keyholder. At Co-op, I was right at home after I learned about layer pellets. I was sought after at the Co-op. I don’t have to tell y’all-you were the ones seeking me out! Customers appreciated my honesty. When I didn’t know, I would tell them so, then I would try to find out. People trusted me, I had responsibility. I had to get them the right answer, even if they didn’t like it. I had to help them. I had to help their pets, their livestock, their crops. I occasionally even had to help their machinery (heaven help you if you needed more than bolts, plowshares, or rake teeth, though!). When I moved on to dispatch, the director likened me to a fish in water, although at most times I felt like a fish out of water. I could talk to people in distress, no problem, but when it came to toning out the correct agency or ambulance, I frequently faltered. I once toned out a crew that was already on a call. It was embarrassing, to say the least. I couldn’t claim I didn’t know what I was doing, I’d been given the same training as everyone else. I just forgot what I was doing there for a minute. It had been a busy Saturday, and I hadn’t kept up with my sheet. This mistake wasn’t life threatening, we just moved on past it. And speaking of doing my best, even when everything was perfect, when everybody was doing the best they could, the fastest they could, people still died. We still ran out of ambulances. Ambulances broke down. Ambulances had to be taken out of service for clean up from the previous call. Fire trucks had to refuel at inopportune times. Lifestar wasn’t always availiable, no matter how bad you needed them. Sometimes there was fog, sometimes there were other emergencies that trumped ours. In short, shit happened. But even though it was an emergency situation, we realized certain things would always be out of control and we just worked through it. Even though people would die and families would grieve. These were BIG things. But it was out of our hands. We did the best we could do, and sometimes it wasn’t enough.
When I made my switch from salesman to secretary, I couldn’t have been further from my comfort zone. In my new life, I call 811. It is a world away from 911, before you get all excited and draw conclusions. After the wildfires, I frequently heard an intake of breath after I gave them the county and city. Then a hushed, almost reverent, “Are you alright?” It was so touching. It made me compare again my old life to my new one. Sure, there are fencing emergencies. People pay hard earned money for a quality fence. They expect it completed in a timely fashion. But sometimes shit happens and we can’t help it. At least nobody dies. I still try to do my best, and keep track of everything going on with all of our crews. There are some things I will never understand because I’m not an installer, just like there were things that happened at dispatch that I couldn’t grasp, because I’d never been on scene at a medical call. I told a lady on the phone the other day that she wasn’t ringing any bells, but that didn’t mean anything because I didn’t have a whole lot of bells left to ring. I like to make jokes when the customer seems receptive to them. I think that’s part of the reason I was so popular at Co-op with many clients. I still make mistakes, even when I’m doing my best.
But with my husband, he makes me feel that I am adequate. More than adequate, I am enough. Even when I drive him crazy, I don’t question whether he’s going to leave me. I don’t have to wonder if he still loves me. On the extremely rare occasion he speaks sharply to me, generally when he’s exasperated with whatever he’s working on and has been tormented all day at work, I know that it’s not anything he will lord over me in the coming months and years. It’s over before the hour is out. My husband makes me believe there is hope for nerds.
Making biscuits this morning, I was reminded of all the times I struggled and cussed baking batches before. It took a long time to get them to come out to suit me, even though I was following recipes to the T. It didn’t help that everyone has a different one, and no matter how detailed they were, there was always something, some little specification that was always left out. They’re still not perfect, but they’re better than they used to be, and I no longer agonize over them. Imperfect homemade biscuits are still better than no biscuits at all.
When I am berated, especially for something out of my control, I shrink and wish that I was an oyster or a box turtle. I want to shut out the injustice and drama and retreat. I want to disappear until it’s all over. I want to continue being the golden child, the one who always did my best and was rewarded for it. Nothing comes easy, but it’s hard to be happy and want to excel when what you do is criticized, even though you’re doing your level best. It hurts my feelings and it stays with me pert near forever. I can’t forget. That’s why I’m so selective and a perfectionist in certain criterion of my life. I remember what it was like when I messed up before. I don’t want a repeat performance. I will do nearly anything to avoid it. But when what you told me was right yesterday, and I do that exactly, but today it’s wrong, I find it difficult to roll with the changes. It’s hard to keep up. I won’t agree with something someone says, even if they are an authority figure, unless I have all the information to make an informed decision. I don’t consider myself to have a competitive nature, but I want to do things well. I don’t want to give anyone a reason to get onto me. My nerves can’t take it. I have led a life of relatively low drama, and I intend to keep it that way. That’s why I don’t get out much. I have high expectation of others too, even if it’s just driving down the highway. I expect the speed limit. I expect turn signals. I expect you to stay in your lane and maintain concentration on those around you. When I go out to eat, I expect the wait staff to be friendly. I expect my glass to stay above the 1/4 mark. I expect you to ask if I need anything after my food comes. However, if I see that you are asshole deep in alligators with half the restaurant under your service, I don’t expect it as efficiently. I’m not without a heart! I don’t wish to say I am hard to please, but if you don’t please me, you probably don’t have anything to worry about because I will not initiate interaction.
Guess what happens when you do your best? You still have fender benders and bounced checks and relationships with the wrong people. You still make bad decisions and stay too long and voice unpopular opinions and have awkward silences.
Do your best, and if they don’t appreciate it, find someone who does.
Every time I said “Happy Valentine’s!” to someone today, Joey would grunt, “Pea Plantin’ Day.”
Now, I worked at the Co-op a long time, and I don’t remember this particular day in February being marked as that designated time to plant legimes, but it sounds about right. Although I doubt anybody was planting peas or anything else in this flood of biblical proportions.
So, in honor of Joey’s- and evidently Southwest Virginia’s-pea planting roots, we’re having sugar snap peas with pork chops, taters, and onions tonight. I’m using a paste that I bought off our computer guru who still plays Grand Theft Auto with his other grown men friends. That’s right, computers and cooking condiments. He calls himself a nerd so the rest of us don’t have to.
The lovely Tracy baked some cookies to perfection and delivered them in their little baggie tied with a wee bit of string to my place of employment this morning. Were they picture worthy? You betcha. Did I pause long enough to take a picture before gobbling them down? Not hardly. In my defense, I did share, though.
There was a BOGO sale at the library today (speaking of nerds, right?) so naturally I stopped by.
And found this lying in the parking lot.
It kinda broke my heart.
I could clearly picture some little pimply faced boy, using the five dollars he coerced from his dad to buy the prettiest girl in his grade a rose. Or maybe he was feeling bold and she was older than him. And she crushed his rose, and along with it his hopes for a kiss stolen behind the bleachers at the basketball game.
Or maybe it fell out of a car door and nobody noticed. Maybe she saw it and thought it couldn’t possibly be for her, there must be some mistake.
Or maybe some good ole boy gave it to his ol’ lady and she disdainfully shoved it back at him, saying if he couldn’t do no better than a single puny rose, she didn’t want any at all. And he thought, “I could have bought a six pack for what that thing cost.”
Or heck, some girl could have given to her girl crush and embarrassed the ever living crap out of her and she threw it down in a fury of confusion and humiliation.
I don’t know.
I just saw a sad long stemmed rose, doomed from the day it was separated and wrapped in cellophane to be sold in a plastic bucket on a gas station counter. Because either this rose had either had a really hard time in its short life already, or it had been laying out here longer than just today. It wasn’t an official Valentine’s Day rose from the local boutiques and florists that serve the school. Nope. It was too far gone for that.
I sighed, stepped over it, and headed towards my own happiness on the third floor.
I spent two dollars and got four hardcovers, two for Johnny, two for me. Happy Valentine’s, indeed.
Shug is hard to buy books for. He’s not like his counterpart, who will read pretty much anything that isn’t about…well…I can’t think of anything right this very minute that I won’t read. Maybe underwater basket weaving. But anyhoot, I did a good job today, he liked both selections. I preened, smug in my knowledge that I know his genre well. And, as an added bonus, he didn’t already own them. Wonder of wonders!
While perusing the shelves, I found one with a delightful inscription.
I love nicknames. I guess because I’ve always had a bunch. Some people just encourage them, I suppose. The finance manager at Co-op once mused that he’d never had a nickname. “I’m just a vanilla kind of guy,” he remarked. I didn’t disagree, but only because I like vanilla. You can make it fun and different every time. Vanilla is trustworthy and honest. Sometimes surprises are bad news, disguised.
So happy Pea Plantin’ Day, whether you had a big fancy Valentines with dozens of roses and German chocolate or just pork chops on Corelle ware. Or maybe you’ve had better weather and you spent it in the pea patch or even the lettuce bed.
Shot one.
Collective intake of breath, shuddering.
Shot two.
Sobs break out.
Shot three.
The men weep.
The widow exhales and raises her chin, defiant and courageous. She is presented the flag from the honor guard as the hollow notes weave through the crowd behind her. She is elegant in her good jewelry and navy blue dress, poised on her sharp heels.
I can see our breath on the air. The rain continues to fall, indifferent to our tears.
The service is over. I can still detect the acrid odor of gunsmoke, silent and invisible now.
He brought many of us together today, back in his hometown after so many years spent scattered the four directions the winds blow. Family from all over the world, friends he knew, some he never met through simpletractors.com. I knew one, a former supervisor at the Co-op. He said he’d never met Kent, but wanted to pay his respects. He’d never imagined seeing me there. You never know where I might pop up.
Friends from his graduating class and mine, there with our aging parents. People I haven’t seen in many years, old neighbors and people with babies that I remember as babies themselves.
There were pictures and his plaques commemorating a job well done for 27 years. A patriot, proud to serve. There were plenty of mourners and lots of handshakes and hugs. There were many tears in remembrance of a battle fought, but ultimately lost.
There weren’t a lot of flowers, per his request. We are to donate to our favorite church or charity. I feel useful. It’ll go to the sea turtles, via Ocean Conservancy.
His eldest spoke, because he didn’t want soothing words exhalted by a stranger for his dad. He wanted to tell it himself. And that’s a harder job than I care to think about. When I bowed my head, tears plopped onto my hands.
We had one common denominator = Kent is gone and we are sad.
But there are lives to be led, jobs to return to, food to be eaten, and love to be shared. So these funerals are somber occasions but they’re also a reminder to keep going and keep laughing, and to love and cherish the people you have now. Because all too soon we’ll just have memories.
Please continue to hold the Thomas family in your prayers. And my Uncle Dale and Aunt Brenda too.
I will remind my regular readers this website is thanks to him and his unrelenting dedication to get me Out There.
