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Amy
This post began January 5th, 2015, and finally came full circle months later when I realized I was waiting on the owner of the pigs, as I knew I eventually would. “Have you seen those two big pigs down here? They’re up on the hill…in some chain link fence….” Yankee trails off as I squint my eyes at her, trying to determine if she just launched into this story or if there was a prelude that I hadn’t been tuned in for. Rewind…replay….no. “Which road???” I ask. “Chapman Highway.” Mighty long road. “Where at on Chapman?” “Uhhhmmm…I can’t think….it’s up on a hill….there’s chain link around the property…” She’s vaguely gesturing with her right hand. “What’s the closest business or road to it?” “….I’m not sure….” “Is it before Zion Hill or after?” “After.” “Is it before Sugarloaf Road or after, or do you even know where Sugarloaf is?” “Yeah, it’s after.” “Is it after the Wye?” “No, it’s before.” “Okay, so they’re between Sugarloaf & the Wye?” “No. It’s if you’re leaving Sevierville, before you get to Sugarloaf…
I would like to blame the lack of sunshine for making people crazy, but I know they’re crazy all the time, so that can’t be it. A little while ago, a lady dressed…shall we say…festively…approached the counter & asked if Big Lots sold fishing poles or something along those lines. We’re like, “maybe…” Evidently our answer didn’t satisfy her, because clearly, in addition to knowing the merchandise of our own store, we should keep track of all the surrounding businesses. “Do you all live here?” I was thisclose to saying, “No, I commute from Atlanta every morning.” What the crap? Later, this guy gives me his credit card to pay, I indicate the sig pad with stylus and direct him to “sign here.” “My name?’ ………. I refrained, yet again, from saying what was REALLY on my mind: No, your occupation and blood type, and where you plan to eat supper. I have saved the best for last, & this isn’t someone I think is lacking sense. He’s about my age and farms. He gives me his debit card to pay. It’s kinda warped up and wouldn’t read, which is not unusual in my line of work because typically they’re dirt encrusted. I type it in. …
Hollister makes me claustrophobic. We were at the mall to get my glasses adjusted. I bought them at Lens Crafter’s & don’t trust anyone else to touch them. I also wanted to go get freezer stuff from Sam’s. They were closed (grrr). It seemed like a long way to drive for a five minute trip, so we walked around the mall. My sweet husband thinks I’m a size 6 and that I can wear Hollister stuff, so he goes in to check it out. Their scarves fit me, so I follow. I nearly have a panic attack when this baby in the vicinity of the dressing rooms is screaming bloody murder, and the plants keep brushing me, and it’s so dark you can’t even see halfway to the back of the store, and it’s hot, and stifling, and smells like last years’ cologne and juvenile pheromones. I bumped into a weird wiry girl, I thought she was a mannequin. I apologized and she shook her head back and forth real fast, like she was a refugee or something. Bizarre. I fumble, stumble, and grope my way back to the free air and light, devoid of palm trees & teeny boppers. Geez. I think that will be my last trip in there for my lifetime. …
I have been at work for just over an hour and all this has already transpired: A regular comes in and I ask if he’s ready for Christmas. “NEVER!” He goes on, “My wife asks me for the most impossible things! This year she asked for two feeder calves!” At this, he rolls his eyes. “All the feeder calves I’ve seen are going for like two THOUSAND dollars! So I get to messin’ around on the internet and I finally found ONE for three hundred and fifty dollars.” “Well, that’s good!” I chirp. “Yeah, but it took me half the day to find it and it was on the other side of Clinch Mountain so it took the other half of the day to go get it and bring it back. And he only had the one. While I was there, I bought a turkey. So I guess she’s getting a calf and a turkey for Christmas.” I’m hee-hawing. He continues, “Usually I ask her and she’ll come out with the most outrageous things. Like, ‘happiness!’. Give me a break. It’s always a major undertaking. And then I go to the trouble of getting it and she says, ‘Oh, I wish you hadn’t gotten…
So I met this girl the other night while at dinner with Johnny’s friends. I say girl but she was probably my age. Anyway, she doesn’t like cream cheese. This is incomprehensible to me. After she makes the statement, I sit there in shock for a minute and say, “I guess it’s an acquired taste. I didn’t like it till I realized it was in a lot of my favorite dishes. Do you not use it in casseroles?” “I don’t eat casseroles. People hide stuff in them. Like cream cheese.” I look at her husband. He shrugs like, “tell me about it. I’ve been trying to reason with her for years.” “It’s in a lot of desserts, too…do you not eat, like, cheese balls or anything?” I persist. “Nope.” This all came about because we were at a Japanese restaurant chowing down on sushi. Someone had offered her a portion of theirs and she turned it down because it had cream cheese in it. I’m thinking she lives a very limited existence and studying on all the wonderful things she is missing out on, and how she would probably starve at my house. “Gosh, I can’t imagine. I use cream cheese in lots of stuff. Like, I made lemon bars the other day and used a block.”…
Most of you know today as Pearl Harbor Day. To me, it will always be my Grandmother’s birthday as well. I could always remember it because it fell on a National day of remembrance. She has been gone a little over six years. I miss her, but not as much as I thought I would. My grandmother, a few of you know, was a bit of…how shall I say???…loose cannon? You’re a pistol growing up, and if you achieve adulthood & are still out there tenaciously fighting tooth and nail, you are a warrior. I can tell these stories now that she’s gone. She was married for awhile, but her husband was a bit of a spendthrift (among other things, I gather). Once, he came back to the house for a “chat” & she pulled a gun on him. He scoffed that it wasn’t loaded, and she shot the dirt from under his feet 25 feet away. That was the last time he visited. Oh, I know that .38 pistol well. I pulled it on Johnny one morning when I thought he was an intruder. Luckily, he was expecting it & came through the door hollering, “it’s me, baby, don’t shoot!” I reckon he’s always known me pretty well. I guess the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. She knew me better than anybody. I…
I dearly love Chick-fil-a. Really. Truly, madly, deeply. But they have massively screwed up with the addition of double drive thru lanes that merge. I sympathize with the pedestrians in the parking lot, as well. I shoulda went to Frank Allen’s and had a cheeseburger…
I’ve had a communication problem today. First, I’m at a lunchtime meeting with my supervisors to discuss horse feed. Before we started, I turned to Lynwood, whom I had been making small talk with about this insane weather we’ve been experiencing. Me: “What about Buffalo?!?” Lynwood: “Pardon?” Me: “What about Buffalo??!” Lynwood: “Buffalo?” He looks perplexed. Me: “Yeah, they’ve got like, eight feet of snow!” (Thinking, how did he miss this?!?) Lynwood, laughing, : “Oh! I thought you wanted to know about buffalo eating Pinnacle feed. I was gonna say we haven’t field tested anything but horses at this time.” Hardy harhar. Next, this afternoon, Whitney answers the phone & then turns to ask me, “Do we have a Marine working here?” Totally out of the blue. But Whit is pretty random, so I just rolled with it. “Yeah, Brion’s a Marine…and the new guy, Phil…” Thinking of their slogan ‘there are no FORMER Marines. Once a Marine, always a Marine. I’m getting the bewildered expression for the second time today. “What?” I ask. “No, not a Marine, MAUReen!” “Oh. Yeah, she’s at Waynesville.” Hilarious…
I look a little crazy today. I blame the wind. It’s like those Santa Ana winds that drive people to suicide…mine just drove me to indecision about my jewelry for today. I’m telling everyone I’m going with the Johnny Depp look. Shoulda tied a scarf around my arm too, dang it… Also, I wore a lipstick shade that is out of character for me (pink–it was the first one I came to), & the wind was whipping this morning & blew my hair in my face. I worked about an hour, walked into the bathroom, & it looked like a cat had scratched me all over my face. Thanks, coworkers, for the heads up…
While I was sitting in the waiting area of my eye doctor, sans glasses, some wormy guy went walking by, took a double take, stopped, and pulled out his camera. I hopped up & went to the desk, behind the safety of a potted plant. The girls looked at me expectantly. “I don’t want anything, but there’s a weird guy out there, and if I’m gonna hafta shoot him, I’m gonna need my glasses.” They quickly handed them over & one of the girls was like, “What’s he doing?” “Just being weird. I think he was taking my picture. I dunno. I couldn’t see.” (Taking advantage of my disability!!! The SHAME!) She took a card to go out & help him & he went on his way. I love my new optometrist. She took this picture & told me to drink gin & tonic for my eye twitch…
