I did not sleep very well at all. Maybe I got too full last night. Sometimes that happens. I felt like it was a very light sleep, and I just didn’t rest. Chester sure did, though. He was piled in next to me, snoring contentedly. Every time I flipped over he huffed. Excuuuuuuse me. I finally gave up and got up at 5:30. I don’t know how long I’d laid there thinking I’d fall back asleep. I don’t know if I’m optimistic or just deranged. Once I got a couple of cups of coffee in me, and felt that my defenses were up and in place, I decided I could face the day. And the internet.
Turns out there was a fire over here off Creswell, so maybe it’s the sirens that kept me up all night. Or maybe that blamed wind. I don’t think I can blame the moon this time.

JA checked in, as is his normal (except it was via text and I was glad). I was in no mood. “I’m here. Mad at the world and I don’t have a reason and I can’t help it.”
He wisely left me alone for several hours.

The more I read about the local brush fire over by the house, the more I was concerned about my cousin. The news reported no loss of life or structures, but the news gets stuff wrong. Plus, if it was that close to him, I knew he’d have the scoop. I called him.
“Are you the firebug?” I asked when he answered.
“Yup, it was up there on the mountain, about where your uncle liked to sit. A pine tree fell over on the powerlines. That wind last night was rough!”
I didn’t know whether to giggle or gasp. “It really was you! I was just calling to give you a hard time! I thought maybe it was from the soybean fields, like your combine caught fire or something, from the location the news gave.”
“Noooo, it was up there on the mountain, it looked a lot worse than it was. If I’da had the water wagon hooked up I could’ve put it out myself. It was just a buncha leaves. Do you know the fire department wouldn’t even put it out? They had to wait on Forestry! Isn’t that stupid?”
“Did they not have a brush truck?”
“They do, but they said they couldn’t go up there. And Forestry just made a firebreak, they blew all those leaves back in to it. I left them with it at about one this morning.”
“Wow!”
“The news reported it was ten acres, but it was really only about six. They blow everything out of proportion.”
“Scare tactics,” I agreed. “Tragedy sells.”
“And it was three or four hundred yards from Chris’. There was no danger.”
“Well, I’m glad everybody’s alright. I guess your momma got excited. That’ll give her something to talk about for awhile.”
Isn’t that funny? I should have known 🤦‍♀️

Sometimes I can’t help but question what the point is of even trying to be the best version of myself? Where has it gotten me? Submitting to a variety of lessons, only to not use any of them. Even my posture sucks. I guess I would have been painfully shy if I hadn’t been put on stage with all eyes on me. I’m still a little bashful in certain situations. I struggled with staying on beat, so guitar lessons were obviously a waste of time and money. I can swim well enough to stay alive, but I learned in college my form and breathing techniques were all wrong. And when is it handy in life to know how to twirl a baton?
And where did good grades get me? I see people who can barely spell in executive positions. I’ve never had to trot out my degree to get a job. But I guess I’ve never really applied for anything prestigious, either. I didn’t get the raises and promotions like I felt I earned at Co-op, but that’s not for my lack of effort. That’s on management.
Being a good wife didn’t work out so hot, either. At least I can say I did my best. Maybe that’s what it’s all about. Not proving anything to anybody, but being able to look at yourself and say, “You know what, I tried. I did my best to be a good student. I tried my hardest at lessons, and I loved the best I could. I may not have done as well as everybody thought I should have, but I really did apply myself. I remember it being difficult and struggling and help not coming from where it should. But I gave it my all.”
So there. That’s not so bad, is it? Sometimes the fruits of our labor go unseen but we carry them in our heart.
Really, right now, I feel like someone should award me for not punching Jake directly in the throat. I’m doing my best!! I feel like if I get up -for any reason- it’s gonna happen, though.
These are the thoughts I have when I get inadequate sleep.

I’m gonna do better.
Tomorrow. Today is shot.

Love from Appalachia,
~Amy