It’s interesting how you can get through pretty much anything. You think you can’t, but you can. And I’ve always said, when people remark on my strength, “What choice did I have?” Suicide just isn’t an option. Suicide is for cowards, in my estimation. Nobody is coming to bail me out. I have a few friends that I could ask for money, and I know my aunt would help me out if it came right down to it, but I guess I have too much pride. I was raised by my Grandmother, and she certainly never backed down. I won’t either. I will only be strung along for so long, and I won’t be abused in any form or fashion. I refuse to be labeled an option, and there is no way I will stay interested in someone who isn’t madly in love with me. Why do women want to stay saddled to a man who doesn’t care for them? It makes no sense.
How do I get through the hard times? Well, for the most part, if it’s something I don’t HAVE to think about, I don’t think about it. This is not delusion. Not thinking about problems doesn’t make them go away, but if it’s something that doesn’t necessarily require immediate action, I’m better off trying to get on with life until the sharpness of the pain has abated somewhat and I can make a better decision. Or sometimes the decision will be made for me. You can only fight so long until it’s obvious no matter what you say or do will have any impact whatsoever.
On the worst days you wake up thinking, “Oh no. Not again. Another whole day. I’ll never make it.”
But you have a routine and you stick to it. Even if it just gets you as far as the shower before you cry. The trick is staying busy: clean out a drawer. Call your friends, right down the line. Read a chapter in a book. Whatever. I suggest staying off social media, there ain’t no good to come of scrolling Facebook. And definitely never read comments on news pages. People are full of rage and hate. Pretty soon an hour has gone by, then another. Sometimes you only get ten minutes of quiet in your head, but at least you made it another ten minutes. I used to go to bed thinking, “It’s ok, it’s ok, it’s ok.” Because in that second, it was. I didn’t know what my dreams would bring. I didn’t know what fresh hell would await me tomorrow. But I knew, in that moment, in my bed, with my dog sleeping next to me, I really was okay. If your brain constantly thinks the worst, think of something else. Period. I also don’t recommend thinking the best case scenario, because that’s likely to be a disappointment. Just speaking from experience, here.

Another thing that helps, apart from being busy: always have something to look forward to. Something as simple as lunch with a friend later in the week, drinks with another friend one night, a hair appointment, a scheduled trip to Ulta for some makeup or Belk for a new top to wear out. Maybe even a weekend away. It doesn’t have to be fancy or important, just something that gets you out of the repetitive circles your mind spins in.

You have to look for the glimmers, too. Take for instance yesterday. I supposedly made a friend’s day, but at the same time, I nearly ruined mine. It’s hard to explain. But good things started happening to balance my blues. First, Jake told a funny story about a copperhead crawling in his hunting blind with him while he was hunting in Catoosa over the weekend. Just picturing him going out the back window of that little nylon tent cracked me up. It’s not often Jake makes me laugh. Gag, yes, most certainly.
My old friend Dave also called with a joke. It wasn’t very funny, but I was already in a crummy mood, but I have to say he does try. And you know, it’s funny, after all these years we’re still in each others’ lives, and in a good way. I can depend on him to a point. I would never get the debt repaid, but at least he’s one I can count on. Even though I still wouldn’t blame his wife if she smothered him in his sleep. Talking to him made me realize again things don’t work out like you want them to for a very good reason. I would be a totally different person, had I stayed with him. And thank God I didn’t. He’s so hard.
And of course there was John Alan, calling in a few minutes after eight, as is his custom. He generally gives me something to laugh about, or at least smile.
Charlie came by, and it’s always good to see him. He really is the best landlord. Any time I call him, he gets his handymen right on the way. I mean, just the fact that he always answers the phone is a blessing, honestly. When I told Emily he was here, her response was, “You always speak so highly of him that I imagine him as a perfect cute little grandpa. Short, not fat at all, but rounded a bit in the tummy, and jowls that sag. He wears jeans and flannels in my imagination.” I told her she had him pegged almost exactly, apart from the fact he is pretty tall (to me, anyway, but about everybody is tall in my world), and that I see him in Tennessee shirts more than flannels. But don’t you know when he came in today we was wearing an insulated, hooded flannel shirt!!
And then one of our producers that I always look forward to seeing stopped in. He is perpetually in a good mood, and always has a funny story. He is a retired park ranger, so there is no shortage of stories. He’s definitely a light. I’d hate to see him in bad temper, it would ruin me. His eyes are forever twinkling and you just know he’s happy with his station in life. And why not? He had a career he enjoyed, a perfect cookie cutter family, and he gets to farm and travel at his leisure now. Not too shabby.
Emily tried to give me some incentive too. It’s so nice to have friends that are there for you and support you when you’re down on yourself. I’ve learned that some of my closest and dearest fail at that. They just make you want to laugh. They won’t sit with you while you cry. I guess we need both. Emily’s words were: “You, however, are a delight and can entertain yourself or you have loads of friends to spend time with if you’re feeling extra social.” To which I replied, “I definitely haven’t been a delight much of this year but I am trying my level best not to drain everybody around me and keep my tears to a minimum.” And that’s the truth. No sense in bringing everybody else into this bed I helped make.

I also feel the need to inform you I finally tried Wingstop yesterday. Ambiance is lacking but service is top notch, so friendly and fast AND they held the door for me! It was kind of cold in there, which I didn’t mind. And, maybe best of all, the card reader didn’t ask for a tip which I especially appreciate in a place like that, where they’re just taking your order, not fixing your drink and whatnot.
I had just sat down when my phone rang with a local number I didn’t recognize but it didn’t say spam so I answered. It was some granny lady who said, “Is this Soil Conservation?” And if I was at work I would have said yes. But I had literally just sat down. So I said, “no…” She said, “Oh, she must’ve given me the wrong number…” Who the heck is giving out my cell number?!? So that peeves me. If it was anybody I was close with they would have given me a heads up. Or I would think so, anyway.
I was waiting on my food and there was this construction worker chatting with the guy who took my order. I guess they’re close friends, because when he left, he told him he loved him, and the worker dude said it back. That gave me the warm fuzzies. Not like they were involved, just genuine friendship. I thought it was such a positive, wholesome interaction and I felt blessed to have witnessed it.
They brought my food out in a bag, like I guess they do everybody’s, kinda like Five Guys. I’m not opposed. Less waste and you don’t have to question the cleanliness of the tray. Plus, it ain’t like some extravagant meal.
The wings were on POINT. They were seriously the best I’ve EVER had. Don’t tell Huffy, The fries weren’t too shabby, either. I was very pleased on the whole. Then ol’ dude comes out with a small package and lays it on my table.
“What’s that???” I felt like Scarlett O’Hara in New Orleans on her honeymoon and her eyes widen as they bring out the desserts.
“A brownie.”
“You think I can hold that after eating all this??” I gestured at my pile of bones and diminishing mountain of fries.
“Well, no, but you can take it and have it later.”
He kept calling me sweetie. I didn’t mind. I need all the petting I can get. I’m feeling old and ugly.
So. Five stars to Wingstop in Sevierville. Tell them the girl who ate everything sent you.
(p.s. That brownie was 49 carbs!!!!! I ate it in two sittings)

I hate to count this as a glimmer, but it did work out to my benefit. While I was at lunch, one of our producer’s farm managers called here and gave Jake a cussing. (This is not unusual, this guy is a COMPLETE jerk 99% of the time) Jake didn’t deserve it, nobody does, he was yelling at us because he’s behind on his project and nobody told him. Umm. We’d contact him before he’s in violation of his contract, but also, the owner is the one who should be communicating project goals, not us. Anyway. Glad I missed that.
Also, another producer came in to sign his CSP so Jake actually had to work while I was gone!! UPS also came by, but he thought it was me coming back in, so he didn’t even come out of his office. I’m telling you, the boy needs to open his blinds, at the least. He’s gonna get carried off or his throat slashed. I don’t like him, but I don’t want him kilt. Especially not here. Imagine the paperwork! And, I’d probably be labeled a #1 suspect.

But back to the mundane at home, laundry and some tears, since I didn’t need to look brave anymore. And I could think of what could have been. But such is life. I know that things often look better after a good night’s sleep.

So today was definitely looking up. Jake was in Knoxville. I fixed breakfast. I talked to JA. I messaged my thankfuls with Emily, who has now included “Good morning” in foreign languages as her standard greeting. She also typically includes some history about the country, and whether it would be a nice place to live. She is also very good about telling me how much of the country speaks English in case I ever want to travel there. She knows I freak out about not being able to communicate. That (and finances) are what keep me from seeing Paris and Germany. So it’s nice she thinks to do that for me. It’s the little things.

It was about 11 and I was perusing my training manual, considering getting it in order in case I have an untimely death, when this little SUV whips into the handicap spot. There were two other open spaces but a little further away. My interest is piqued. I attempt to watch the driver, who appears to be playing on his phone. I’m trying to figure out who it is. A stranger gets out. He looks like an accountant. Shit. He comes in on a fog of cologne, introduces himself as Drew, and says he’s here to set up our printer. He tells me this process will take 2-3 hours.
I remain silent a beat, then pointedly look at the clock and I’m like, “I appreciate you showing up right here at lunch.” A bit haughty, sure, but don’t it just figure?? A Jake Free Day and here this gomer is.
He’s like, “That’s what it’s scheduled for….did you not know?”
“I thought the printer delivery was scheduled for today, but it showed up last Wednesday first thing. I wasn’t sure WHAT to expect today, but no, they didn’t give us a specific time.”
“Do you want to reschedule?”
“No, let’s get it over with.” I so wish this guy was Robin’s husband. He retired from Xerox in 2020. The normal guy we got was just as weird, but at least he knew Jerry so we could talk about him. He just took a call from somebody and was very short with them. I just know he’s gonna go postal while he’s here. There’s always some issue. So much for my peaceful day. This makes me CRAZY. I HATE being the responsible one. And my head is hurting from his cologne.
I decide to text Addison and make him feel bad for not being here. Since, you know, he’s the big dog in charge and had gotten all the correspondence about installation to begin with.
His solution was to send Jake. Like compounding the problem would help! Lord, help me.

So he got to be slightly more normal as the day wore on. Not a lot, mind you. And the cologne only seemed to intensify in these close quarters. My eyes watered a little!!! I had to get Matt to troubleshoot a few things, but we accomplished goals set my Xerox. It took three hours exactly, the majority spent waiting on his people. You could tell he thinks he’s really something, because whenever people called, he’d tell them he was “on a call, in a federal office, working on a government contract fulfillment”. Hahaaha, as I sat here in my sweatshirt and wild hair. Yeah, we’re truly hoity toity up in this office.
Supposedly he worked for the Department of Treasury in DC and that’s where he was on 9/11. He didn’t strike me as the fabricating type, and he was just peculiar enough that I thought it might actually be true.

Salmon patties, pinto beans, and au gratin potatoes for supper. My milk expired October 28th but I smelled it (no smell), then tasted it, and it seemed fine to me. So I used it. I guess I keep my door closed enough that the temperature rarely fluctuates so it keeps better. I know Lisa’s was always bad before the best by date, but I’ve seen her and the boys stand there with it open for minutes on end. And her and her Mom both were bad about leaving it open while they fixed a sandwich or whatever. That makes me almost as crazy as people who run water while they’re not actively using the water (my aunt). I guess it’s my conservation heart but also I know it’s because IT COSTS MONEY!!!

At any rate, another day done. It’ll be the new year before I can turn around and what do I have to show for it?
A lot of loss, that’s what.
Including weight loss, though, to put a positive spin on things!! I’ve lost almost 15 pounds this year. I haven’t tried, apart from being more AWARE of what I’m eating. I think I’m consuming more cokes and Mountain Dew than I have in the last few years, but definitely less fast food on the whole. So it adds up!! My jeans sure do fit better, I know that. And if there’s nothing else to be said of this one life we get, well, at least I can say I never lied to myself.