I feel like I have done nothing but eavesdrop on people today. And it’s highly entertaining. First was at the bar at Firebirds. You wouldn’t believe the things people tell bartenders. Or each other at the bar. And just when it was getting good this dude sits down next to me hacking his guts out and I’m immediately disgusted. So his wife was already sitting there and had eaten and evidently he’d had a job interview at the restaurant. Not for the restaurant. I understood it to be an acting job, but I’m not sure. He’d ordered steak and dessert. She said, “Were you not planning on introducing me?” And he’s like, “No, should I have?” Which I’m kinda like him, why would he? That’s kinda weird. And why did she bring him, anyway? Can he not drive? She says something about she should have gone over and given him a kiss. In the meantime, he’s still coughing very vehemently and I’m thoroughly and visibly repulsed and thinking of moving down a stool but that would put me next to another character that I wasn’t sure about. I was stuck between a cougher and a thug. And the bartender, her name was Amy, too, had enough on her plate without me playing musical chairs. She’d already forgot my water twice. And we’re not gonna talk about how long it took me to get my food or my ticket, but I wasn’t in any great big hurry, so what did I care? All I can figure is the interviewer was a female and the wife was jealous.

Anyway, turns out the cougher and his wife had been at the HOSPITAL this morning. I kept inching further away and kept my head turned but I’m sure all the people staring were seeing me snarl my nose. Why was this man out in public? Shoo Lort. I wanted to ask for Clorox wipes when they finally left for Trader Joe’s to get apple juice.

The man and wife across the bar were semi regulars. He ordered a shot of some special Don Julio and they made sure everybody in the bar knew exactly how expensive it is. I also learned her mother had recently died, but I missed from what ailment, and that her crab cakes were so wonderful, even better than the ones she makes at home from stone crab claws she gets from The Shrimp Dock for some exorbitant price. But she wasn’t able to eat much due to her hiatal hernia, that she wasn’t going to have surgery on because of the side effects.

I’m telling you, it would be exhausting being a bartender. Or a hairdresser.

I visited the powder room before I left and there was a little old lady in there unfamiliar with how the doors worked. They had the red/green visible lock mechanism like on an airplane (or at Buc-Cees) and I started to go in the one that was unlocked when she informed me she’d been waiting. I asked her if there was something wrong with that one. No, she didn’t know it was available. So I helped her with that, and I hear her in there talking. The other one became available. I do my business and come out to wash my hands and the lady who’d been in my stall previously was evidently with the lady I had helped. They looked to be about the same age (late sixties), and fairly well to do, judging by their dress. But then I had to help my new friend with the water faucets and lining her hands up with the sensors to make the water come out. It was all very confusing what purpose her friend served, since I was the one in my teaching element to a stranger. I told them to have a nice day. I probably should have been them good luck. Who knows what modern technology would baffle them on their next stop.

Then it was off to the Nissan Dealership for the dreaded oil change. They’re revamping the showroom and service center, and I will admit it does look much nicer. It was in need of a facelift. There was a glass cube occupied by only one couple, and the lobby area was bustling, so I made for the cube. The couple were probably mid-fifties and the woman couldn’t hear it thunder. Her husband was trying to talk to her and she kept saying “huh?” I know some people develop this habit but I truly believe she was deaf as a Dalmatian. And she kept looking at her phone. I thought he was gonna strangle her, and honestly, I couldn’t blame him. He was carrying a backpack but never opened it. It may have been his go bag. If so, I admire his dedication to carrying it on his person. At one point, when he appeared close to explosion, he got up and left the cube. I don’t think his wife noticed. That’s when I began writing this. They were there for something other than brakes, but her brakes needed replaced, too.

Then a little old white haired lady came in with whom I suspected was her daughter. The white haired lady was complaining about the taste of the coffee. The daughter asked if she didn’t put any sugar in it or doctor it up with creamer. I didn’t hear the reply. She may have just shaken her head. A few minutes later she made another derogatory comment about the state of her beverage and the daughter exploded, “well, go pour it out!”

Laws. Y’all see why I travel alone? Nowhere is safe.

My car was ready in no time, and unlike last time, where I was presented with a list of things it was due for, this time I was told everything looked great, including my tires, which I had been agonizing over. So somebody’s trying to hoodoo me. This guy wasn’t too keen on my coupon but I pretty much forced him into taking it. I think I’m gonna just let Richard at the Co-op do it next time.

Went by John Alan’s after to do some drinkin’ thinkin’. I should have just went on to White Pine for the book satchels, but that gives me a reason to get out next week sometime, I reckon. I also didn’t make it by Trader Joe’s, but that was by design. I was afraid of running into Ol’ Whooping Cough and jealous wife.

Traffic was horrendous all day, from Boyd’s Creek to West Knoxville. I had to go get my glasses adjusted (me: “I’m sorry. I’m sure it would help you if I could tell you exactly what’s wrong with them, but all I know is they ain’t fittin’ right.”)

And I had some dude in my front yard this morning taking pictures and so here I go to confront him. I feel certain I was quite the vision, with my unwashed hair in a knot on my head and tromping across the field in my oldest jeans and tennis shoes.

Me: “Hi.”

Him, speculatively: “Hi….??”

Me, instantly irritated because he thinks it’s strange I’m approaching him on my property where he was taking pictures. Vest or not, that don’t mean squat and you have no right. “Who are you?”

Him: *supplies me with his name, which I couldn’t tell you for a million dollars. Does not tell me the name of his company.

Me: “And what are you doing?”

Him: some crap about fiber optic installation on light poles

Me, appraising: “I thought fiber optics were underground.”

Him: “not always.”

Me: “well, I noticed your vest but I didn’t see a work vehicle and I don’t particularly care for people taking pictures on my property uninvited.”

Him: “I understand. They dropped me off and went to pick up the other guy.”

Me: “Yeah, I just saw them go by when I was walking down here to you.”

Him: staring like, “will there be any further interrogation, Medusa?”

Me: “ok, have a nice day.”

Him: “You too….”

I go back to my dog, who was patiently waiting at the gate, appearing relieved that he did the right thing by barking for once.

It’s always the right thing. Because if it’s deer, I wanna see them, too. If it’s a person who doesn’t belong, I definitely need to see them.

I guess I’m a little leery and suspicious, but if I’ve got something worth protecting I intend to defend it, whether it be my personal property, my life, my friends and family, my dog, or just my heart. It’s mine, and I won’t relinquish it until you prove your worth. It may not mean much to you, but to me it’s everything and it was won by hard work and perseverance.

Love from two couch taters,

~Amy