Chester’s Chronicle, Year One, Month Five and one extra day
Well, here’s where it ends, folks. The end of the road. Where we say goodbye….
Princess Glitterpants has had all she can take. The Chester hairs have finally made her cross over and there’s no going back. I am, once again, up for adoption.
I’m not sad. It’s not really in my repertoire of emotions. Just think– last time I was up for adoption I just had to wait a little while and then I got all this!!! I have no reason to believe it won’t be even better next time! I mean, with an attitude like mine, how could I go wrong?
So I’m offering myself here first. It’s not a bidding war, I just want someone who can satisfy my requirements in the most timely fashion. My requirements are as follows:
• I am only outside on perfect days. Example: under 80°, but above 50°, no rain, sleet, frost, hail, wind that would blow my Chester hairs in an unfashionable manner, and/ or snow for an extended time. Snow is fine in small increments. Rain is also acceptable if you’re willing to follow me around with a golf umbrella. (Good luck to you if the wind is blowing gale force)
• Towel treatment to my toes and body if so dampened by aforementioned weather.
• On the days I have to be inside (described above), I must have full access to a cushy couch and blankie. No crating. I promise I am a Very Good Boy and do not counter surf or otherwise destroy things that do not belong to me. PGP says she can provide a signed & notarized affidavit guaranteeing this trait.
• Permission to sleep in the Kingdom of Fluff and Squash at my discretion. If you snore, kick, or otherwise prohibit my own snoring, kicking, or general state of bliss, I should be allowed access to another Kingdom of Fluff and Squash nearby. Or the couch.
• Allowing me to lick your eyelids open at 6:30 every morning. I don’t have that in my current accomodations, and I would seek this as a deal breaker. As a human, I could think of no better way to be awakened than by looking into my sweet face right off the bat.
• Bi-weekly fluff cups. This is non-negotiable. And I must ride along to supervise and be told what a pretty boy I am.
• Bark box subscription. This is the highlight of my month. It should be the highlight of my WEEK, but PGP insists they only offer monthly subscriptions. I have reason to believe this is a fib, but since I am at the mercy of my non- opposable thumbs, I have to comply. So you must supplement with a new toy weekly.
• Sebastian replacements. He is my favorite, and quite frankly, I love him to death.
• At minimum, two bites of whatever you’re eating, unless it is forbidden fruit, like chocolate or grapes. And I still believe this is another fabrication to keep me from getting the best stuff, but alas. The last bite is critical for my consumption, as I know it is often the tastiest.
• Additionally, 3-4-5- or 6 bunny treats daily, typically given after I’m put through my paces of sit, stay, up, high five, lay down, and spin.
• Annual vet visits with shots and medications and pedicure, and additional as needed. I don’t especially care for it, but I know it’s important. I do not want to contend with worms in my heart. I also don’t want to froth at the mouth unless I’m eating a fluff cup.
• A fenced yard, the same size or bigger than my current accomodations. I have to have room for daily zoomies, and I can’t be trusted not to lose control and run into the road, where I would be flattened and you would be devastated. I must also have my credentials updated, in the event I bust out. I have done this a few times, because I am an ungrateful BRAT who doesn’t think about the consequences of my actions. Clearly, PGP’s words, not mine. 🙄
• If I misbehave and require disciplining, you will not beat me. You may talk sternly and administer a light swat with a magazine or junk mail, but please, please, don’t come at me with your hand, stick, or other weapon. I will cower and whine for mercy. I would never snap at you. Your words hurt plenty. I only want your approval and company.
• Superhuman strength to hold me when we go in public. I am HIGHLY excitable and I weigh a LOT so it takes a freakishly strong person to hold me; balance and core strength a must.
• Understanding that my bark is a lot worse than my bite. I don’t think I’ve ever even used my bite, so that should speak volumes.
• Daily brushing with the plastic porcupine. Again, this takes brute strength, as I like to twist away (it tickles!!). But it’s important to get my loose hairs off me.
• Food and water bowl at maximum, 24/7.
• And most importantly, kind words. Sweet loving pats. Tug of war with whatever toy I bring you. Telling me you love me and kisses on my ears at least a dozen times a day. Letting me curl on your lap like a five pound doggie, even though I’m a svelte 80#.
I guess that’s about it. Obviously, I am not being unreasonable in my requests. Please send all applications with minimum 1000 word essay on why you should be my next best friend and letters of reference from your current vet, employer, and current pets (no dogs or cats, please. Teach your goldfish to write), along with tax records from the last decade to PGP’s email. Of applicants selected, we will require a site visit to make sure you’re up to snuff.
Warmest regards,
King Chester Charles Copperpot of the Johnson Plantation.

***April Fool’s!!!! Chess Pie ain’t going anywhere. Although sometimes I wish I could send him to day camp so I could perform household duties without him under my feet.