Day 8: I fell off the couch this morning. It was an embarrassment and a surprise. But no matter what happens, it won’t be as bad as The Soaking yesterday. Princess Sparkleshoes says life is full of ups and downs and I’ll do good to remember that.
She’s just mad because hairs keep mysteriously showing up in the tub and she’s cleaned it twice already. I told her if she hadn’t stressed me out I wouldn’t have shed so much. She said I should have cooperated better. I started to tell her something else but then I heard a little bee tell me to never argue with a redhead, especially the one who feeds you and allows you to ride in the rocket. So I yawned and licked her hand.

Chester’s Diary, Day 8 and a half

Popcorn is an acquired taste. I haven’t acquired that taste. It’s not natural. I would rather just play with them but Princess Glitter Pants gags when she has to pick the slimy bits up off the carpet. I do think the chickens next door would fit my discriminating palate. And I promise not to leave any slimy bits anywhere. #scoutshonor

Chester’s Diary, Day 9
Whoever this Lightning Bug character is, he must have really been something special. Princess Glitterpants still cries over him sometimes.
She also says I could have learned a lot from him about rocket riding etiquette, whatever that’s supposed to mean. I think I do just fine. There’s just so much to see and SO MANY WINDOWS TO SEE IT FROM

Chester’s Diary, Day 11

I have been told multiple times that today is a holiday and that means we get to sleep extra.
But I can’t sleep extra when I’m not extra sleepy.

I wore myself out yesterday and fell asleep on the couch when the sun went to sleep. I didn’t even want to get up to go to bed. Princess Glitterpants said I staggered like a drunk. I was extra sleepy YESTERDAY.
So I woke up at 5:30 today. Which means I woke up PGP approximately five seconds later. She whacked me with a pillow, which I thought meant she wanted to play and in my excitement I may have licked her eyelid. I’m not sure. Things move so fast. Including PGP after that happened.
Anyway, that did the trick and she got up and made go-go juice, which I’m not old enough to have, and bacon, which I AM old enough to have. And she made herself a concoction with an egg that I got the last bites of. I’m glad she didn’t like it enough to finish. I thought it was glorious.
So it’s going to rain today but the sun is up so I guess it gets a holiday too, later, after everybody is up doing. I don’t mind rain and I get the towel treatment when I’m wet and that’s Very Nice. We have the windows open in anticipation. I hear it makes nice napping.
If any Veterans are in need of a face-licking, I am happy to oblige. Thank you for serving our country. I’m sure it wasn’t easy to be away from your favorite humans and I guess you probably had a dog, too. I’m sure they missed you desperately. I just want to say I appreciate you and maybe that makes up for the free loading hippies that don’t.

This is what I look like when PGP makes bacon, in case anyone wants to know. She said I look like a wild dingo. I guess that’s good. But she also threatens to sell me to the Gypsies and I don’t know that I would like living with the Gypsies as much as I love living here.

Chester’s Diary, Day 12

Everybody that has met me says I’m MUCH cuter in person, which makes me wonder if Princess Glitterpants is putting goofy looking pictures of me out there on purpose.
That being said, I run into walls because I can’t walk in a straight line when I’m looking back to make sure Princess Glitterpants is coming. So I guess it’s justified.

Chester’s Diary, Day 12, second entry

I visited a very smelly store today. Princess Glitterpants has a TWIN!!! And there was a tree inside but I was warned several times to NOT pee on it.
I don’t understand the point. But I also don’t like to face the wrath of PGP so I just sniffed and sniffed and sniffed….and sniffed some more.

PGP told me that many of you ask about my “antics” every day and I have a fan club of sorts. I hope to meet you all! But let me warn you….the only person I am truly in love with is this red headed dumplin’ who feeds me. I will probably unleash my loudest, scariest bark upon meeting you. Especially if you lock eyes with me. I don’t like it. I came from the streets and a dominance was established. I often did not win with humans. I don’t bite, but I am very vocal. So forgive me if I bark…but don’t challenge me, capiche?

Chester’s Diary, Day 13.

PGP says if I tear up my office bed she’s not buying me another and I won’t have any place soft to sit.
I think she’s bluffing.

Chester’s Diary, Day 14

Usually it feels like I’ve been here forever. But sometimes I remember the hard concrete and the constant noise and the few minutes I got to see somebody each day. So when I think about that I climb into Princess Glitterpants lap and close my eyes and forget again.