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Monthly Archives: May 2020
My hair was the wrong color So I dyed it And I felt much better I wouldn’t put up with it So I left And I took my horse And the cookie dough I couldn’t stand it And I told them so And they didn’t take me seriously So I left And I was happy For a time You were all I dreamed of But it was an illusion And I thought I could fight it But you wouldn’t stand beside me And so I sent you on your way Do you see the pattern I finally do I have a low tolerance for bullshit And I won’t put up with it Not for five minutes Not for forty years And I don’t trust any of you…
Sometimes I have words, sometimes I don’t. But I know that by writing it, I’m much more likely to get it right than if I try to say it with my mouth. I usually have an idea of what I want to talk about before I sit down to write. Sometimes I have to look at writing prompts to kick-start my motor. Since I’m not getting out a whole lot, I’m limited on subjects. Y’all can only read so much about my dog. One of my favorite columnists could benefit from this notion. I sometimes think if I have to read one more article about baseball or his dead daddy (who’s been gone way longer than he was ever here) I’m gonna send him a list of other stuff to write about. Just when I can’t take any more, he’ll pop off one about pound cake or some old lady eating alone at Cracker Barrel or something, and I’m good for another month or so. Anyway….yesterday I wrote about the herbicide thing. Well, really it was about women needing to pull themselves up by their flip-flop straps and believe in themselves what needs to be done, can be done. BY THEM. Sure, it’s nice to have a man around for the gunky parts of life, like plumbing, or the parts you just don’…
I sat on the porch today, watching birds. It wasn’t like I didn’t have anything else to do. But I like to watch birds. I’ve thought many times, as no doubt many of you have, about what it would be like to fly. More specifically, what it would be like to be a bird. In the past, I’ve thought I would most like to be a hummingbird. They’re fast, they’re tiny, they’re brilliantly colored, everybody likes them, and they hover like a helicopter and can fly backwards. Lots of friendly people feed them sugar water, which, I imagine, is the avian equivalent of Mountain Dew. This all sounds quite ideal to me. However, I have been giving this more thought. Hummingbirds have to fly south for winter. That’s a long way for such a little bird. And I don’t hear them do a lot of chirping. Which made me think about the mockingbird. Mockingbirds aren’t stuck with one birdsong throughout their lives. They’re gifted and continuously chatter with over twenty different voices. As much as I like to talk, this would be peerless. And, as an added bonus, they’re the state bird. But then I got to feeling guilty, because about the time I landed on being a mockingbird, the barn swallows showed up, calling and darting through the sky, chasing bugs. I love swallows so…
I have a confession. I used to silently judge these women that would come into Co-op and not know anything about killing weeds or, conversely, growing grass. They would ask me to put their $10 one gallon sprayer together before they left. “My husband always did this,” they would explain, sometimes glancing a little forlornly at their empty wedding ring finger. I would try (and often fail, I’m sure) to avoid rolling my eyes. I would instruct them on how much herbicide to mix, frequently using my ever-present mountain dew can as a prop. (I also did this for the men, because 100% of people carry the misconception that the more weed killer you use, the better. So wrong. So, so wrong.) Anyway, I haven’t mixed up or sprayed herbicide in ages and found both my sprayers gommed up because the last time they were used they didn’t get cleaned out. I was not the last one to use them, tyvm. So I had to prance in Co-op yesterday and buy a new one. I was on a cake delivery, anyway. I got my new Chapin sprayer out of the box this morning to use and was instantly assaulted by memories of the dozens I assembled for ladies. I had almost forgotten what a joy it is to spray herbicide. I felt like the Terminator. I hope that every woman I ever helped felt just a little bit more…
These old men Mountains Men of the mountains Mountains made these men The ground cold into May Wet till October And then the gold is abundant Don’t pan- just look up Salamanders scurry And squirrels scold And bear chew Lazy, arrogant Brides with wildflower halos And dulcimers on the porch Chicken and dumplins on Sunday After Bible thumpin’ amens Old baying dogs with black patches Flogging roosters Rusted tools hanging forgotten But don’t kill the black snake Didja hear about Shorty Gonna run ’em a cobbler Porch swing’s squeakin’ What to do with all this squash Yes ma’am And thank you Please don’t trouble yourself Prettiest quilt I ever laid eyes on There’s watermelon And sweet tea Cousins are all comin’ too Just wanna drop in this heat We’re headed to the lake To the funeral home Just want to set a spell All we do is run run run Rain’s on the way Mail’s late Kids comin’ in for Thanksgiving Can’t wait to get to the beach So green it’ll hurt your eyes So humid you can wring the water off of you So slow you think you’ll never get there And everybody’s talkin’ ’bout football Stay Southern, y’all Love from Appalachia, ~Amy…
