I was working on one of those time-wasting questionnaires on Facebook this morning. I need an activity while I drink my coffee, otherwise my dog thinks it’s my job to pet him with my free hand. And I DO pet him, but it’s never enough. He is such an indulged glutton. Anyway, I’m whizzing right along answering the “Adult” questions- no, no, not like that, they were the style of “what bill do you hate the most?” and “which housecleaning chore do you put off until you hate yourself?”, stuff like that. Then one gave me pause. “Found Love Yet?”

Well helllll-o. Of course if you live past the age of seventeen you’ve found love. But did love reciprocate? As you grow older, you come to realize that love isn’t just about spending the rest of your days with another human you’ve found attractive. Well, I hope you realize it, anyway. You’ve loved your whole life. You loved your mother, you loved macaroni and cheese, you loved your tire swing, you loved your mangy dog. Whatever. But of course this shallow test didn’t mean that. It meant the “traditional” sense of finding love.

Well, sure I found it. And it was reciprocated. And we were bound by vows given in fancy attire in front of our closest 125 friends in the sweltering heat at a grand old plantation house and I have a stamped piece of paper from the courthouse proving it. And pictures that I can’t be bothered to burn because I looked so damn pretty and even my hair behaved that day.

So yeah, I found love. And then love walked out.

It will never matter how many times he says he’s sorry, or how many of his friends tell me how much he regrets it, or how many times he says he loves me to this day and forever. Because he didn’t value it. So it wasn’t love. His words have no life, no power over me. I listen in a distracted way, when I’m forced to listen. It’s like hearing a story about someone you used to know. Really, that’s what it is.

His current life is unlike anything I ever imagined. I feel no grief, no pain, no regrets now. This is by his design. I will not let him guilt me into any emotion. We all cope differently. If not for several special friends and family, I might have a very different story, myself. I have gotten through this part of my life by a glossing-over mechanism, a fake-it-till-you-make-it style of coping. I don’t think about it much, and if I do, I try to replace it with what good, lovely things have come from it. This may not be ideal, and it may not work for everyone, but it has worked for me. And I stayed busy- going to the gym, having dinner and drinks with friends, my virtual farm (I’m six weeks sober from it hahahhaha), I even picked up a second job for awhile. Spreading joy through icing is a definite pick-me-up! We’re not all given the same shot at life, I agree with that. But you make decisions every day. I’m a firm believer in who you choose to spend time with will either improve your life or worsen it. Choose carefully. And if you don’t have any that will have a positive impact, you better learn to spend time alone. Love yourself first and best. Don’t depend on another for your happiness. They can add to it, but don’t let someone else have the reins. I ate supper with two of my closest friends Wednesday night. As I sat there, I was overwhelmed with appreciation and thankfulness that my life is what it is. So many people would like to have two true friends. So many people would like to be able to go have a steak dinner (or the World’s Largest Pork Chop, as the case may be). So many women are stifled in this very country and are unable to get a night out alone with their girlfriends, or a night out, period. For whatever reason: religion, controlling husband, too many demands on their time. Maybe their own stigma of not deserving it.

Love is a prickly thing. You may be questioning it today. But true love really is unconditional. It’s caring about another person’s happiness more than your own. It’s letting them find their path without interference from you. It’s being able to call anytime, any where, and having a safe haven. That’s what love is. Love is “did you eat something?” or “I’ll come get you” or sometimes it’s just the bald truth. Because no matter how difficult the truth is to hear, it will always trump a lie. Lies are not protection.

So I hope you’ve found that kind of love. If you haven’t, keep looking. They tell me it’s out there in the form of forever and always. Oh, and there is one little trick– you have to love yourself first. Be the person you would want to love.

Love from Appalachia,

Amy