Nothing was going as planned. If you know me, you’re probably surprised to learn I even HAVE a plan. I admit, my plan normally never stretches further than what I will be consuming for my three meals that day. But I sometimes will plan vacations months in advance, especially if it’s a new destination. I don’t want to miss anything in the event I can never return, so I like to have all my high points mapped and time allocated to enjoy them. I have enough to plan for in the course of a month between board meetings and bills, I don’t like to have to commit to much in between. I plan to go to bed between 10-11. I plan to get up by 6:30. I plan to stay at work until 4. You know. Plans. Plus all the plans I have for cleaning, writing, reading, watching TV, exercising. When you think about it, you’ve got your whole life planned out in this manner. If you’re married, you plan to see it through, growing old on a porch swing, watching your grandchildren frolic in the evening twilight, catching lightning bugs. Oh wait. I mean tapping on their tablet in front of your 60″ HD Smart TV.

My plans rarely work out. I tend to over schedule myself and then panic halfway through my day when I’ve only accomplished the one thing. Nothing goes accordingly in my love life, my financial state, or my career. But it’s fine. I’ll just plod right on and pretend it’s how I imagined it all along. And not that things are bad, just not how I pictured my life going. By forty you’re supposed to have everything figured out. At least that’s what I thought when I turned thirty and didn’t have it ironed out, then. Back when I was eighteen, thirty seemed a reasonable age to be on firm footing. I guess now I get to back it on up to fifty…but that still seems old. Sigh.

There are a few things you can depend on, I have learned. If you lose your tenuous grip on Faith, you can easily find fervent believers to haul you back to the rock. You can plan on drunks and kids to tell you the truth about your physical appearance. You can plan on bosses lying to you, things costing more than you budgeted for, and food to taste best when you’re craving it. You can count on your dog to love you, no matter what.

Planning seems to set myself up for disappointments. Not because I’m not following through, but because most of the time when things require plans, they also depend on other people and that’s where the problem lies.

I’m not big on the word planned, in general. Too close to premeditated. You get an extended sentence for that one. Also triggers the word pregnancy in my mind, and that’s one I’ve especially never cared for.

Spontaneous is a much better way to go, in my opinion. If you didn’t think of it till the last minute, you have no unreasonable goals or expectations. You’re flying by the seat of your pants. You didn’t know you were going to go to this place, or participate in this activity, so you have no preconceived notions about what’s going to happen. You just met this guy and decide to go out to a baseball game right then and there. You’ve not agonized over a first date for a month, so you don’t have to wonder what he expects you to wear, or act like. I, myself, tend to over analyze so much that failure is all but eminent. I have a standard that I think everyone should adhere to, and when they fall short it diminishes them in my eyes. I probably need to lower my standards to keep my baseline happier, but I’ve never been able to bring myself to that, and at this age, why bother? If that makes me sound old and set in my ways, oh well. Nothing wrong with having high expectations as long as you can live with the deficiency. Someday, somehow, things will fall into place again and I’ll look back and be thankful I held out.