So, yesterday I got to go back in time AND be a snake.

I don’t mean I was a snake in a past life. And I know you know I’m scared of snakes. But it was really a good time.

The good thing about having the same job for so long is I travel in the same circles & get to know a lot of people. So when I go to meetings, I see at least one familiar face. This is both a blessing and a curse, because I’m comfortable enough to chat with people, but also, I get called on a lot & made an example of, because the speakers know me by name.

As was the case yesterday. Minor, Whit, & I went to a meeting in Morristown to learn about sales skills from Purina. You may not know it, but Minor & I go way back. To Walters State. Like, twenty years we’ve known each other. There’s another girl in the Co-op system we went to college with, Mandy Hicks. And Mandy was at this particular meeting, too.

You know how it is when you get around people you’ve known that long. You regress to the good ole days, & reminisce about that time in your life. It’s a great deal of fun catching up. And the three of us haven’t been to a meeting together in a long, long, time. So it was kinda like we were back in Tech 130, listening to Roger talk about what we needed to learn to apply to life.

But there was a flaw in the slaw. We had assigned seating. And I was separated from all my people! Minor & Mandy somehow ended up at the same table, though, next to mine, so that was something.

Well, as is typical in these meetings that people in sterile offices dream up (meaning they are so far out of touch with the day to day operation of a farm store they couldn’t tell you what fertilizer is for), they are supposedly “teaching” us how to greet customers on the phone & in person. A guy named Rick is our speaker for this particular segment, whom I don’t know, but now knows me. “Amy! How do you greet customers when they come in?”

“‘Well, what are you doin’ comin’ in the front door?’ or I might say, ‘What have you broke now?'”

Silence.

Rick blinked. Twice.

“You say what, now?”

“‘What have you broke now?’ or maybe, ‘What’d you bring us?’ Because they’ll be toting a mangled PTO shaft or draggin’ an ole hydraulic hose.” Laughter is beginning to erupt all over the room.

“So that’s really how you greet them?”

“Yes.”

“You mean if you know them?”

“Ahhh, it don’t matter. But yeah, usually I know them.”

He’s getting kinda sweaty looking & a little red. Flustered, if you will. Like when you’re crappie fishin’, & you think you’ve hooked one, & you pull a snake into the boat. You’ve got it, but you don’t know what to do with it. And it ain’t your fault, you didn’t mean to catch the snake, & it ain’t the snake’s fault, either, he was just trying to eat dinner. But there you are.

Now what?

Hence me, being the snake.

“But if you didn’t know them, what would you say?”

“‘Hey, how are y’all,'” I call, just like I’m in the store.

“What about if you said, ‘Hello, welcome to Co-op, I’m Amy?'”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because I hate it when they do that at my bank. It sounds rehearsed. And they don’t hear any of it, anyway, because they’re standing there like this.” I demonstrate the look of awe our first time customers present.

Again, he’s giving me this gears-turning look while everybody else is hee-hawing.

We moved on to the handshake.

Now, I don’t know about y’all, but I have absolutely zero interest in shaking every Tom, Dick, & Harry’s hand that darkens our door. It’s weird, & people are nasty. I don’t know-or care to know-where their hands have been. Our customers aren’t always the most hygienic. Not ALL, just….several.

Anyway, then we are addressing how to speak on the phone. Poor ol’ Rick ain’t learned a thing from our previous interaction.

“Amy!”

Here we go, I think.

“How do YOU answer the phone?”

“‘Sales, could I hep ye?'” I drawl.

I hear Minor snort behind me.

“What?” Rick asks me.

“Well, our phone system is automated. So, when they call, they get my chirpy voice giving you a directory of what button to mash for whichever department. Nobody listens to it, anyway. They hit zero, they get me. They hit two, they get me. They hit any other number & they’re on hold for too long, it rings to me. So I say, ‘Sales, could I hep ye?'”

“Don’t you think you should give them your name?”

“Nope. They don’t care. And I’ve been there so long, anybody that wants me, knows my voice.”

Clearly, Rick is at a loss.

I am a snake.

At the end of his lecture, he asks me, “Amy, do you think you will go back tomorrow & implement these techniques?”

“Nope. I’m an old dog. I don’t do new tricks.”

We broke for lunch.

Mandy, Minor, Whit, & Rusty are beside themselves. They stagger over to me. “When he called on you, I held my breath,” Mandy said.

“We all KNEW what was gonna happen,” Rusty said. “But he didn’t have a CLUE.”

“Well, I was gonna sit there, & be all behaved & nice & quiet…but he asked for it,” I countered.

“He sure did,” Minor said.

“I told the truth!” I became slightly shrill. “He didn’t want me to lie!”

“I know you did,” he soothed. Easy, Killer.

When you’re growing up, you meet people that you just know you’re going to be around the rest of your life. These are not two people I would have thought I would be connected to this long, but I’m so glad I am. We have a great time in each other’s company & I love them both dearly. (But don’t tell ’em that, they think I’m a hard@$$) Even if the learning part of college was kind of a joke, I did form some lifelong friendships in the unlikeliest of classmates.