I would love to make this long story short, but I don’t want to lose anything in translation, so here goes. It gives you something to do this rainy Wednesday. And it’s not a gripe, although it starts like one. 

Most of you know about my commitment to Coach bags & accessories. Buy quality, so you don’t have to buy more, is my motto. (Not that that has stopped me from having one….or two…in every color.) Well, I was over at Belk before Christmas & saw this beautiful Fossil bag & matching wallet. It favored Coach, which is probably what drew me in the first place. I have been adamant against Fossil for several years when I had to take back a watch that broke within a week, I had paid cash, but they had to have an inordinate amount of information, such as where I worked & a phone number there. I told them this was an invasion of privacy. I mean, what did it matter? Give me my MONEY back for your crummy product!

I got over it, until someone from corporate ACTUALLY CALLED ME AT WORK to talk about it. Wth?! Are they stupid? So I vowed then to never buy anything from them ever again.

That lasted about fifteen years. I sorta know how to hold a grudge. Well, technically, I STILL haven’t bought anything, Johnny did. He got me the bag & wallet for Christmas, as per requested. Also a coach bag & wallet, which I didn’t request, but what can I say, he has good taste.

So I carried the new Fossil bag & wristlet for about two months. All of a sudden, the side busted out! Now, I’m not known for my tidy housekeeping skills when it comes to my wallet, but this one stayed fairly organized because of all the handy slits. Where it was supposed to be sewn it was glued. I was furious! This would never pass inspection with Coach. So, I finally made my way back to Belk after about two weeks & explained my situation to the lady at customer service (after being snubbed by two women at the jewelry counter—closest to handbags—but no matter). She was really sweet & asked if I wanted a replacement or refund. Well, I didn’t have a wallet that color & I needed something, plus, I really liked it. Problem was, they didn’t have one in stock. I go back to the counter, they offer to order it, but then that color isn’t listed online, either. They told me to keep checking back, or I could check myself.

Slightly seething, a few days later when it hadn’t reappeared on Belk’s site, I go online to Fossil. There’s the wristlet, but not in raisin. Grrr. I leave them a one star review about their crappy wallet & how now I can’t even get it replaced because it’s no longer offered. I wasn’t the only one complaining, either. Several others said if it wasn’t the side busting out, it was the zipper.

Within six hours, I had received an email from a Fossil representative, apologizing profusely. After several emails back & forth, with more pictures of my wallet & receipt (that I had already posted with my review & in the first email) they determined that the wallet was discontinued & out of stock in their secret stash (which I had already figured). They offered me a gift card in the amount of the wallet to buy one of my choice. I thought, great, I’ll go to Coach & get a good one. It may not match, but that’s just a part of life. I ask them what kind of gift card. “One you can use in any fossil store or our online store.”

No, thank you. Why would I want another one of your subpar products that doesn’t even match?

This all transpired about two weeks ago. Yesterday, I finally make it back to Belk. I go back to the Customer Service counter. Once again, I explain my situation, producing wallet & receipt. She gives me a disbelieving look & sends me to a lady manning the jewelry counter. She is waiting on another customer, but notes this encounter out of the corner of her eye. I patiently wait my turn.

She is nodding the whole time I’m telling her what’s happened & quickly issues me a refund. And apologizes for the behavior of her associate. No problem. Sometimes I pawn the crazies off on my coworkers, too. 

I head over to the Estee Lauder counter to get my foundation, happily noting I’ve timed this perfectly to coincide with gift. There are a few things in this world that make me feel like a grown-up. One is standing at the meat counter at the grocery store, selecting cuts of beef, and another is the makeup counter, selecting new cosmetics. The lady there is super friendly, hunts up my foundation (had to go to the stockroom), helped me select a lipliner, then informs me that if I spend $19 more dollars, I’m eligible for the nighttime cream valued at a gazillion dollars.

I hedge. I need Step 2 (toner) & gel moisturizer but I’m loyal to Clinique on those products. She senses my hesitation & starts talking to me about skincare & starts slathering my hands with moisturizer. I’m not convinced. “Well, this one is closer to what you’ve been wearing. It’s a gel formulation, but it has the age-defying hydroxyl bentromalate.” (or whatever the heck she said.) in my head I’m thinking, “I have wrinkles. Age defying might not be a bad idea.” So I buy it & their toner so I don’t have to deal with Clinique too. In turn, I scored the priceless night cream stuff AND she gave me an extra gift. Plus she made me a new card, because my last TWO have been lost in the shuffle. She informed me she was the new counter manager, she’d came from Lancome, and gave me her updated card with numbers & extensions & the like. I thought, “wow. She’s really doing a thorough job.”

I THOUGHT she told me my total was “121.57.” I handed over my newly acquired gift card for seventy-odd dollars, & she ran it, & told me my new balance, which I thought she said was “121.57.” Again. Same total. Whatever, I’ll check my receipt. Surely she slid my card & just looked at the old total. She sends me off so I walked over into clothing & surreptitiously slipped my ticket out of my bag to check it. No, there it was, the gift card taken off. So I must have heard her wrong the first time.

I continue merrily shopping. My library meeting didn’t start till 5:30, technically, so I had loooooadsssss of time. I make my way to the Crown & Ivy section, my favorite. Cute summer dresses abound. One had bees all over it! (Not real bees, you ding.) I decided I might should try them on. Last time I thought it would fit, but not even close. I was feeling strong today, so maybe I wouldn’t cry.

Although, what is it about the lighting in dressing rooms? Do they find the cruelest electricians in all the land & they think this is a way to get even with all the women who have made their lives miserable? Or is it the clothing managers are in cahoots with the makeup counters to sell age-defying antioxidants for the face? Probably they should be partners with local gyms, by the look of my legs I could totally benefit. Oh well. At least I had some stuff for my wrinkles. 

None of the dresses fit, but that’s ok. I understand some designers think women are twigs. I am not a twig & it’s okay. I like cupcakes. Thank God for palazzo pants, which are back in style again this year. Looks like I’ll be living in them. I purchased two pairs, & a maxi skirt & checked my watch.

Oh, snap. Time flies when you’re trying on clothes & shopping sales. Nearly an hour had passed since I had last looked at my watch. I was almost late for the meeting. I breeze in (of course, the last one, as always), scarf down a salad & a tiny smidgin of some apple dessert (you’re WELCOME, fat legs), & listen attentively to library business for the next two hours or so.

I get home & unloading my bags & decide to check my receipt one more time.

SIXTY-EIGHT DOLLARS?!?!!?

What in Michael Jackson’s name did I spend SIXTY EIGHT DOLLARS ON?!?!?!

I lay out my cosmetics one by one.

Foundation. $37.

Lip liner. $22.

Earrings. (oh yeah. $16.)

Toner. $32.

Age Defying Lotion $68.

OH. MY. STARS.

I actually turned red. No wonder she was being so nice to me! She saw a sucker! I never thought to ask how much it was. It may have been marked, but I doubt it. I know that you can get moisturizer all day long for $10-$15 at Walgreens, probably less if you buy store brand. I know that the wrinkle cure stuff is more expensive, but Holy Mother SIXTY EIGHT DOLLARS??!?!!? I’d rather have wrinkles. For sixty eight dollars I could eat at Ruth’s Chris & bloat myself to get the wrinkles smoothed down. Much more enjoyable regimen, anyway.

I packed its one point seven ounces right back in the bag with my receipt to head back to Estee Lauder today. And I’m taking back one of the gifts. It’s only right. Sure, I’m embarrassed, but SIXTY EIGHT DOLLARS?!!? THEY should be embarrassed!! So, anyway. 

There’s how a sixty eight dollar wallet with faulty glue turned into a sixty-eight dollar lotion for my face that will turn into a sixty eight dollar credit yet again. Geez. 

Sorry if you read all this. I know it’s a let down, but I very nearly collapsed in my bedroom last night from a heart attack. If it happens later on, know this was the cause. Sue Estee Lauder.

Later: So I have returned from Belk. I carried in my sorry bag & noted with a lift that it was a different girl from yesterday manning the counter. This one was younger, so I figured she might understand my woe. She was waiting on an elderly lady, who was dickering about the price of a handbag. I waited placidly, trying to keep a smooth face, so anybody could I see I clearly didn’t need the wrinkle cream. Meanwhile I’m studying the display of various creams & serums. The prices ARE marked, subtly, in light gray letters, about a 1/2″ tall at the bottom. Hmph. Good thing she didn’t sneak one of the $98 dollar ones in on me! I WOULD have died. So, here comes the Lancome lady, looking all polished with her acrylic nails & perfect lipstick. “Can I help you?” “Yes, ma’am. I need to return this…” I say weakly. “Ok…” Her friendly smile turned into a faint frown. She’ll be needing some $68-$98 wrinkle cream. But she probably gets a big discount. Anyhoo, she says, “Well, what is it?” I’m being a little shy. “This day wear gel with Age Defy…” Her eyes widen & she touches my arm. “Don’t you like it?” “No, I didn’t even try it…I didn’t realize how expensive it is…” At this, the elderly lady turns to me. “Oh, honey, it WORKS.” “I’m sure it does. But I’m not paying $68 for it. And I know, I know, it’s better than the $15 stuff you get at Walgreens–” “Oh, thus stuff is sooooo much better than that–” they interrupt. “I KNOW. I’M saying I AIN’T payin’ no sixty eight dollars for snake oil!” At this point, three different skincare representatives have surrounded me, along with another little old lady who had joined the first. Whatever crack they had envisioned in my resolve was quickly fused & she led me over to the Lancome counter to process my refund. “Ok…this was on a gift card… not sure how I’m gonna do this.” No, a hundred some-odd dollars was on my Belk charge.” “Oh, I see….” She finally figures out how to credit it, then she starts back in, telling me how all cosmectics are gonna be 20% off tomorrow, I should come back & try it then. I narrow my eyes. “Wish she’d told me that YESTERDAY when I was buying all this crap.” “Well, I’m just saying that tomorrow would be a good time to try it.” In my head I’m thinking ‘do I really look that bad? I know these lights don’t do a thing for me, but hell-o.’ Out my mouth, I stuttered. “No. No-no-no.” “Okayy….” …..then I venture over to the Clinique counter where I stocked up on eye primer, Happy, & blush, & ended up spending $93 on presale so I can get the sale price. *sigh* I’ll never win.