You know how statistics show the best marriages have no secrets? 

Well, that’s bull.

Because if Johnny had just walked in on me in the bathroom in the last fifteen minutes, he would have run for the hills. And not the ones behind the house. The ones in like, Canada. 

I’ve been subscribed to Ipsy for a year now. They send out these flashy little packages once a month called “Glam Bags” filled with travel sizes of new cosmetics, face care products, & most recently, an eyelash curler. Anyway, I’m not much of a girly girl & all this crap has been piling up under the counter. I decided to put some of it to use tonight. Namely, an exfoliating mask. Harmless enough. I’ve used them before. They’re kinda fun because your face tingles. 

I pull off the safety seal & squirt some on my index finger to apply. It looks like mud, which is typical. I begin applying it in a circular motion like the directions indicated. It has the consistency of sand. You know, gritty. Then there’s this glob of…stuff that suddenly appears on my chin. By glob I mean something that resembles spinach. I poke at it. Feels like spinach, too. Hmm. I pluck it off, thinking it just didn’t get ground down in the manufacturing process. Then there’s more. And more. It’s falling into the sink, onto the rug, getting in my eyelashes & hair, and stuck to my nose so my eyes are drawn to it, rendering me cross eyed for a moment. 

I get the rest of it all mushed into my face & take stock of the situation. It looks as if there’s been a seaweed or spinach explosion in the bathroom. I can’t go out looking like this, so I vacuum up the mess & comb out my hair. By this time the mask has dried & I can attempt to take it off. This presents a whole new mess in the bathtub. 

After awhile, I come back into the living room & say to Shug, “you know how everybody says not to have any secrets in marriage?”

He eyes me steadily.

“Well, I’m just glad you haven’t walked in on me in the bathroom in the last fifteen minutes.”

“Yeah?” He’s lost interest already, back involved with his gun magazine.

I explain in a nutshell what happened.

“I heard the vacuum cleaner going, I didn’t know what was going on.”

“I didn’t get it all cleaned up in the bathtub, so don’t panic when you see green slime.”

Lord. The perils of beautifying.

It’s in my mouth and ears, too, I just discovered. I’ll never be rid of this gunk. When I said I wanted to be a mermaid, this isn’t quite what I had in mind.