So I met this girl the other night while at dinner with Johnny’s friends. I say girl but she was probably my age. Anyway, she doesn’t like cream cheese.

This is incomprehensible to me.

After she makes the statement, I sit there in shock for a minute and say, “I guess it’s an acquired taste. I didn’t like it till I realized it was in a lot of my favorite dishes. Do you not use it in casseroles?”

“I don’t eat casseroles. People hide stuff in them. Like cream cheese.”

I look at her husband. He shrugs like, “tell me about it. I’ve been trying to reason with her for years.”

“It’s in a lot of desserts, too…do you not eat, like, cheese balls or anything?” I persist.

“Nope.” 

This all came about because we were at a Japanese restaurant chowing down on sushi. Someone had offered her a portion of theirs and she turned it down because it had cream cheese in it. I’m thinking she lives a very limited existence and studying on all the wonderful things she is missing out on, and how she would probably starve at my house.

“Gosh, I can’t imagine. I use cream cheese in lots of stuff. Like, I made lemon bars the other day and used a block.”

“You put cream cheese in your lemon bars?”

She’s obviously horrified.

“Yes, they have a cheesecake layer. Do you not eat cheesecake, either?”

“Just key lime.”

“Key lime pie or key lime cheesecake?”

“Key lime cheesecake.”

I pause for effect & try not to grin like the Cheshire cat. I drop my bomb.

“But cheesecakes are made from cream cheese.”

She gasps & covers her mouth with her hand. “No!!!”

“Yes.” I nod sagely. “How did you not know that? What did you think they were made from?”

“I don’t know….” She turns to her husband, who is smirking. “Is that true? Is she right?”

“Yes. I always wondered why you wouldn’t eat it in anything else.”

She’s about to meltdown. I’m feeling slightly guilty.

“I thought you knew….that’s like saying this furniture is made of wood…what else would cheesecakes be made of?” I ask. It’s unbelievable. I have ruined her day. I wonder if she will stop eating them now, or maybe branch out. I wonder if maybe she just tried a bite of cream cheese once like I did, thinking it would be sweet like cheesecake filling and that’s where she went wrong and never recovered. Anyway. I thought it was worth sharing.